Memories

You have all been so kind to me in this hour. A season that I must go through to be healed. The strangest thing about this state of mind, that I am in, is that I have started getting memories back of my childhood.

I have disassociated from my memories as a child. My childhood was full of trauma so my mind just took itself out of the picture. So, I have no memories.

In the past I wrote a post about my childhood and shared that my mother was one of my perpetrators. She was out of her mind with anger when I was a child. Not suited to be a parent. The abuse was total...emotional, physical and from someone else, sexual.

I tried, years ago, to get my memories back. I work hard at retrieving those memories, but nothing came and I became afraid that I would start making memories up. So I decided that it was better to not remember. My thinking became "why would I want to go through it twice".

God has given us a great gift in disassociation. It protects us from an overload of abuse and keeps us sane. The deeper the disassociation the more likely that the abuse was horrific. I had two memories and they were not go good.

So, in my depression I have started to remember my youth. Not bad memories, which I am grateful for, but just memories. My brother and I were looking at a family portrait and he asked why he was not in the picture. I just blurted out "you were working". I looked at him and asked if he used to work at the little grocery store by our house. He told me he did. I was amazed and happy. I can not relay to you what it meant to me to remember.

Since then I have had numerous memories come up. I asked my brother, "do you think it is safe for me to remember now that mom is gone?"

Could this be? There are things that I do not want to remember. But, I would like to remember the good things. The everyday common things. Those happy moments. My dad.

In the five years that I took care of my mother, before her death, I went through a season of "why am I doing this". Why would you take care of someone who so totally abused you? I suppose I was trying to make up for being such a bad child. Of course I was not a bad child. But, I now wonder if that was not what my subconscious was thinking. It really does not matter why I did it and I would not take back those five years. I am glad I did it because, I got to resolve issues within myself and enjoy the mother I was suppose to have. She had mellowed in those last few years. So, I am grateful that I had that time.

I do not believe that my depression is from my childhood either. I have forgiven my mother and anyone else that abused me. That is not an issue. I do have regrets about the way I took care of her. I feel I could have done a better job. But, that is now past and I must look towards the future and get on with life. Time I believe will take care of my depression. With prayer and meditation on God I will get through.

But, it looks like I will get through with childhood memories. I like what I have remembered so far. It is a joy to recall the happy moments or just the mundane moments. I have a past and it is coming back to me.