Lost

I have found a dark pit. It seems endless with no escape. Time has stopped and my senses have gone to high alert. My senses, however, have begun to lie to me and reality as become vague. I have never been in such a place before and did not recognize it till yesterday. Now that I know what has happened to me I must fight my way out of the dark place that I have moved into.

Yesterday, a friend went with me to see my doctor. When the nurse called me back, my friend jumped up and went in with me. I was a bit surprise that she would want to go into the examining room with me, but it was ok. As soon as the doctor opened the door, I started to cry. I could not give a reason for the tears, but my friend did. She told the doctor that I was depressed.

I just looked at her. I had no response, so I listened to what she was saying. Sure enough while she spoke I realized she was right. I had missed it. If it had been someone else, I would have recognized what was going on and helped that person, but I did not recognize it in myself.

I thank God that my friend went with me yesterday, because I was in a bad and dangerous place. I was close to the point were I would not have been able to move anymore. I was shutting down.

Apparently starting when my mother died, I slowly was slipping into the dark recesses of my mind. My thoughts had become morbid and dark. My behavior withdrawn. My relationship with God diminishing. My contact with the outside world ...on hold. I could not move any longer. I quit answering the phone and even listening to my messages. I did not respond to my emails and have turned off my instant message. I only went out when I had to..like helping deliver the baby and only talked to people that caught me.

Yesterday, was the first time that I cried hard over my mothers death. It seems like there has never been time to really let it out. I, of course, did not even realize that I needed to do this. I am the one who always take care of others and not myself.

I have, over the last two months, kept busy with plans and activities, but have finally gotten to the point where I can not do anything any more. I am frozen in time and place. If not for my dear friend, I would have continued to fall deeper into the dark pit and let go of everything I hold dear. But, today, I know the problem and feel some relief that I can come back to life.

I have never suffered with depression before. I have always been able to let things go and move on. This, apparently is not something I can shrug off. I was in trouble. I have never done grief counseling and am not sure where to start. Time, I am sure, will take care of things, but I do wonder why this is so much harder than my father or anyone else's death. I am assuming that part of it is the reality of my own mortality. Death has become a focus of my mind.

For some reason, I keep writing the blog. It has not been very good and certainly not very supernatural, but I keep writing. The really remarkable thing is that God continues to use me. I can be feeling like dirt and someone will come to me for spiritual guidance and the Lord will take over me and minister to the person. But, as soon as it is over, I slip back into my dark pit. I have not shared with anyone, not even my husband, what has been happening to me. Not wanting to talk, I have kept it all to myself. I just kept slipping further away from life.

So, in my fight back, I will focus on my hope. My God and Creator. I think of David and his bouts with depression and know, through reading the gospels, that I too will find victory. I shared last night with two women from my community group what was happening to me. One stayed for hours afterwards and just sat with me. It was good to talk and try to sort things out. God, always, sends people to listen and console.

I am hoping that this is not like loosing weight. So easy to put it on and so hard to take it off. But, I am a victor and find my strength in the Lord.