Suatu sore aku sedang mengendarai mobil dari kantorku kembali ke rumah sakit untuk melihat seorang pasien yang makin memburuk keadaannya. Aku sendirian di dalam mobil dan sedang melewati daerah yang sepi yang tidak ada rumah atau bangunan, kira-kira berjarak 1,5 km. Tiba-tiba, sekitar satu blok di depanku ada seekor “binatang buas” besar menghadang di tengah jalan.
Jumat, 01 Februari 2008
Quitting Drugs with God's Help (Roger Henricksen)
I HAVE BEEN USING COPENHAGEN SINCE I WAS 15 YEARS OLD, IM NOW 31 YEARS OLD. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 7 YEARS AND HAVE A 6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. THEY WOULD ALWAYS ASK ME TO STOP, BUT I WASNT READY TO ALTHOUGH I HAVE TRIED SEVERAL TIMES. ONCE YOU HAVE A FAMILY IT MAKES YOU THINK ABOUT THINGS IN A DIFFERENT WAY.
IN THE LAST YEAR I TRIED TO STOP WITHOUT ANY LUCK. WHEN I DID I WOULD SWEAT IN MY SLEEP, START SHAKING, HEADACHES, MOODY,ETC. I COULDNT STOP, I WAS JUST TOO ADDICTED. WHEN I WOULD TAKE A DIP I WOULD HEAR A SMALL VOICE INSIDE OF ME SAYING I REALLY SHOULDNT BE DOING THIS, BUT I DIDNT WANT TO HEAR IT, SO I WOULD IGNORE IT.
WELL, SINCE THAT TIME MY FAMILY AND I STARTED GOING TO A GOSPEL CHURCH, MAN I COULD LISTEN TO MY PREACHER HARD PREACH ALL DAY ABOUT THE WORD. I COULDNT GET ENOUGH. I STARTED GOING 3 TIMES A WEEK, I WAS AND AM CRAVING THE WORD. NEXT WE GOT SAVED AND ARE SCHEDULED TO BE BAPTIZED ON AUG 5. WELL, ON A THURSDAY I LEFT WORK EARLY AT 11:00 AND ON THE WAY HOME, ABOUT 30 MIN AWAY,I GRAB MY CAN OF COPENHAGEN AND OPENED IT. THIS IS WHEN I HEARD GOD SPEAK TO ME AS CLEAR AS SPEAKING TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE. HE TOLD ME TO STOP, DO NOT TAKE ANOTHER DIP, NO MORE. IT WAS A VERY FIRM BUT PEACEFUL VOICE. I COULDNT DO ANYTHING BUT STARE AT THE CAN AND SAID YES SIR. I HAD NO DOUBT THAT THIS WAS GOD. THEN HE SAID TO ME, IF YOU DO NOT TAKE ANY MORE, NOT ONE, YOU WILL BE FINANCIALLY SECURE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
SEE, WHEN I PRAY, I TELL GOD THAT WHATEVER HE NEEDS ME TO DO, JUST LEAD ME TO DO HIS WORK THROUGH ME, AND THAT WHAT EVER THAT MAY BE I CAN FINANCIALLY TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY. SO I BELIEVE GOD WAS TESTING ME TO SEE IF I MEANT WHAT I PRAYED. IN OTHER WORDS, I WILL ANSWER YOUR PRAYER IF YOU GIVE UP YOUR ADDICTION. I TOLD HIM I HAVE TRIED BUT I NEEDED HIS HELP AND HE TOLD ME, WHEN I HAVE A CRAVING, GIVE PRAISE TO GOD AND HE WOULD TAKE AWAY MY CRAVING. I GOT HOME AND WAS AMAZED AT WHAT HAPPENED.
BUT 2 HOURS LATER I COULDNT FIGHT THE CRAVING SO I TOOK A DIP. I KNEW RIGHT THEN I MISSED UP. I CHEWED THE REST OF THE NIGHT. WELL, AT 3 A.M. I HAVE THE WORST DREAM OF MY LIFE. TO MAKE IT SHORT MY LITTLE GIRL WAS SHOT 3 TIMES IN THE CHEST AND DIED IN MY ARMS. I HATE THAT DREAM. I AWOKE IN A COLD SWEAT, WIDE AWAKE, BUT I WASNT CONCERNED ABOUT MY GIRL, INSTEAD GOD SPOKE TO ME AGAIN, HE SAID, GO DOWN STAIRS AND GET THE BIBLE, TURN TO MATTHEWS AND READ THE FIRST THING YOU LAY UPON YOUR EYES. IN RED THE VERSE SAID, WHY HAVE YOU FORESAKEN WHAT I HAVE SPOKE TO YOU. MAN I WAS BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS. ABOUT 5 MIN LATER, THE LAST TIME I WOULD HEAR HIS VOICE CLEARLY HE SAID, STAY IN MATTHEWS, FLIP A FEW PAGES AND ONCE AGAIN READ THE FIRST THING YOU LAY UPON YOUR EYES. IT SAID, IF YOU BELIEVE, YOU WILL BE ANSWERED THROUGH PRAYER. I WANTED TO STAY UP AND TALK TO THE LORD BUT I WAS WORE OUT AND FELL ASLEEP.
FIRST THING THE NEXT DAY, I TAKE A DIP. WHAT AN IDIOT I MUST BE. BUT NOW I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO LIVE IN THE FLESH. I OWN A DINER. I'M COOKING DURING LUNCH AND I FIND MYSELF TELLING MY COOK WHAT HAPPENED OVER THE LAST 24 HOURS. IT IS LIKE A TON OF BRICKS HIT ME. I LEAVE THE COOK AREA, FULL OF FOOD ON THE GRILL TO BURN, GO TO THE BACK ROOM CALL MY WIFE TO COME UP HERE FAST SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TO ME, I START TO CRY AND I COULD FEEL THE HOLY SPIRIT IN ME. WHAT A FEELING. MY WIFE GETS THERE AND I TELL HER TO GO GET ME SOME NICOTINE PATCHES SO I COULD QUIT. SHE GOES. I HEAR THE SMALL VOICE IN ME SAY, I TOLD YOU TO PRAISE GOD AND THE CRAVING WOULD BE TAKEN AWAY.
MAN WHY DIDNT I REMEMBER THAT THE FIRST TIME. I HAVNT HAD A DIP SINCE THAT HAPPENED WITHOUT ANY WITHDRAWLS. TO THIS DAY IF I HAVE A CRAVING, AND I DO, I PRAISE GOD AND THE CRAVING GOES AWAY. THANK YOU LORD. I NOW HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND WHEN I HEAR THAT SMALL VOICE INSIDE OF ME, I KNOW IT IS THE HOLY SPIRIT SPEAKING TO ME AND I LISTEN AND I DO WHAT IT SAYS, THE FIRST TIME!
ROGER HENRICKSEN
EL RENO, OK.
Rehou1@aol.com
Set free from drugs, seeing and angel and hearing God's audible voice
My ex-girlfriend and I broke up after a long relationship, and I was really tore apart inside... I started getting heavy into smoking pot.... I would look forward to going home just to get high... I would do it everyday, literally. I was going on my 6th month straight of this routine, when one night I was laying in bed completely baked... I had just bought a new ounce (which cost me over $80) and everything just came crashing in on me. I started feeling really bad about what I was doing and went back and forth for about a half hour debating in my mind whether I should just flush the whole ounce. I finally decided to do it...
For the next two weeks or so after that, a lot of weird things started happening. I would see situations around me, and have strong feelings to do things for those people. A lot of the time I didn't even want to do it, but the feeling inside was so strong I had to. I had been telling my ex-girlfriend all these weird things I was going through... Anyway I found out my Aunt had a brain tumor and was getting surgery for it, so I thought I should pray for her. It had been a LOOONG time since I had prayed before, but as I was finishing, I had this thought enter my mind that was basically along the line of, "you're going to go to church tomorrow, and when the pastor calls for people to go down front, you go down front." I didn't think much of it, and just passed it off. Well it turns out my ex girlfriend had been telling one of her friends all that stuff I was going through, and that friend went to a church in Malibu. Her friend actually called me that day and invited me to go on Sunday to her church. Needless to say I was a little tripped out, I thought it was strange, and I guess that's why I said okay.
So Sunday morning I headed out for Malibu. I was really late, and had almost decided to just turn around and go home, but I decided to keep going.
I was right at downtown LA...with all the skyscrapers right there when all of a sudden I heard this voice. It was an audible voice, just as if I was speaking out loud to you. He said "Joshua, see that dove, that's for you" and as soon as I heard it, I saw a white dove start to fly as if someone had just dropped it.... AS SOON as I saw the dove, this bolt like electricity shot through my body. It didn't hurt or anything, but I just broke down and started to cry. I pulled off my sunglasses because they were getting all fogged up, and I heard the voice again...as clear as day, and He said, "Joshua, see that man on the side of the road, He's one of my angels." And I looked, and saw kneeling on the side of the 10 freeway a man with very dark skin, and pure white clothes...so white they almost seemed to give off their own light. Again, as soon as I saw him, that same "electricity" shot through me.
Now everything was happening so fast, and my mind was reeling trying to connect everything. Before I was able to, I heard His voice again, (and it was the last time I heard him audibly) and He said, "Joshua, my love is all around you and my signs are everywhere" and after he said that, I saw a white balloon rise straight up from the freeway directly ahead of me. This all happened in a matter of seconds, although thinking back on it now, it seems like it took an hour. But after the balloon, everything hit home and I realized it was really God! That night I went to the church again, and at the end of the service, sure enough, the pastor called for people to come down front if they wanted to. I ran down front and stood eagerly expecting something to happen....5 minutes go by, then 10, I said forget it, and turned to leave just as someone came up and started praying. It was a quick little prayer, and then they left. So I thought, okay, I'm outta here, and as I turned again to leave, I felt Him very strongly say, "No, I'm not finished yet...just stand here and be patient." So I stopped and waited.
Almost 20 more minutes went by and by that time I couldn't be patient anymore so I turned to walk out. Again, just as I did, another man came up and started praying for me. All of a sudden I started to feel that electricity again...really subtle in my feet. But then it started getting stronger and it felt like it was filling up my whole body until I couldn't even stand anymore. So there I was on the floor, feeling this energy flowing through my body in waves... I started getting freaked out... I thought this was all wrong and I was even starting to be afraid. It felt like something was literally rising out of me...this really made me afraid but then I heard His voice again. It was so clear, I couldn't even tell if it was audible or not (I don't know if the people around me could hear it, but I doubt they could). But he said "Joshua don't be afraid... I'm cleansing you of your sins... I'm taking away all of those things of the past" and I just remember the comfort that flooded my body as soon as He spoke. I wasn't afraid anymore. Then He said, "Joshua, I'm holding your hand right now."
And as soon as He said that, my left hand "exploded" into the most intense feeling of the electricity I have ever experienced to this day... It didn't hurt at all, but it was so intense... I could feel His power... and I KNEW He was holding my hand! Then He said "Joshua, now you know I am real...you've heard about me since you were a kid...I am Jesus...I am the living God" Then my mind started flooding with memories from all through my life....moments where He had protected me and been with me, and I had never even known it.
It was absolutely incredible!!
All of that happened June 13, 1999...my life hasn't been the same since! :)
Now I have an awesome relationship with Him...although some times are better than others.... We talk a lot, but now it is inside...between my spirit and His....I hear him in much the same way you hear these words within yourself as you read this letter. That voice is your own spirit and it exists independent of your flesh and blood body. That part of you which really makes you who you are, is immortal...it will live forever. Jesus was and is fully God... what He represents as a man was the full consciousness of God, entering into this world... His creation... being plugged in and taking on all the physical aspects of you and I.... and when Jesus gave His life as a sacrifice on the cross, it was to be a covering for each and everyone of us... to wash away all of our sins that keep us separated from God. When Jesus rose from the dead, it was a promise to all who will believe in Him, that they too will be risen and break free from the chains of death. In the spirit, our sins are clearly seen to anyone who would look at you. So that means that every dark dirty little secret you have within you, that you wouldn't want anyone to know, would be naked and exposed when you are purely spirit (like when you die and leave the body) except when we are in the spirit things are much, much clearer, so even little secrets you may have now would bring an incredible amount of shame and embarrassment there.
People will literally run and hide in the outer darkness, to be as far from the light as possible. God is light...to be separated from Him, and be fully aware of all our sins would be absolute torment in the spiritual world. Hell is real.
Jesus' sacrifice actually washes away all of those dirty secrets...and they disappear....you will have nothing to hide...no embarrassment or shame. You will be able to sit in the infinite creators' lap, as His child... filled with His love which is beyond words to describe how wonderful it is.... you will be able to explore the infinite mystery of His creation... to travel to worlds without bounds... to move at the speed of thought... to exist outside of time, and talk with people from all ages of the world... and then Heaven.... a place so amazing and wonderful that the least aspect of it is beyond any man's ability to even imagine how amazing it will be!! And it is all given freely to whoever will recognize their own sin and ask for forgiveness... To ask God to come and live within their own hearts, and to fill them with His love. The only way one can be absolutely positive in their future after this world, is to know the One who can transform your mind and present you faultless before the throne of God... and that One is Jesus... living within your heart... who you get to know better than your closest friend.
That's what this is all about for me. If it was just religion or just church, it couldn't change my life. But Jesus is REAL... He is ALIVE and active in our lives already... He is my most precious friend... to make the next step and actually meet Him would transform your life. It's amazing and it's so simple!!!
All you have to do is talk to God... I'm not going to write a fancy prayer or tell you exactly what to say... It's between you and God... just be real with Him... Admit that you have made mistakes and have sinned, then ask Him to come inside your heart and wash all of those things away. Just pour your heart out to Him, and thank Him for sacrificing Himself for YOU... All it takes is an honest and sincere heart which recognizes it's own brokenness, and cries out for help. God is AWESOME!! And He LOVES YOU with an EVERLASTING LOVE....
If you would like to talk or share your own experiences with me... or if you would like to have someone to pray for / with you, please write me!
Delivered from Drug Addiction and Depression (Michele Appelbaum)
1963 was an interesting year in history. The Pink Panther, Dr. Strangelove, and Surfin' U.S.A. were big in popular culture. Valentina Tereshkova became the first woman in space. Martin Luther King Jr. made his "I Have a Dream" speech. President Kennedy was assassinated. The Supreme Court decided once and for all to make prayer in public schools a crime. And I was born.
I grew up listening for airplanes flying by, always believing that each one was the Russian missile that would nuke me and end life in all parts of the civilized world. When it wasn't missiles, it was the fear of tornados or lightning, or maybe the Passover Angel of Death from The Ten Commandments. There was always something to be afraid of - accidents, illness, dismemberment. I didn't know how the end would come, but I was sure of two things - I was bad and God was going to punish me somehow. This was a pretty strange attitude for me to have, considering that I was raised without any organized religion. Well, my folks did drop me off along with my brother and sister at Sunday school at the local Lutheran church for a couple months when I was really young, but that doesn't count.
Perhaps that attitude wasn't so strange when you think about it. If I had been raised in an organized religion, I might have learned earlier that God is a loving, forgiving Father, not the thrower of lightning bolts that I imagined. Whatever the case, belief in God was never an issue for me. I always believed in God. I just had the mistaken impression that He was out to get me.
Despite my family and loving friends, I was always a lonely person inside. I always felt guilty about everyone's pain and suffering, thinking I must be responsible. Nothing in life satisfied me or filled up the emptiness inside of me. Highschool was rough. My friends and I all got into doing drugs. I started out with pot and drinking, then progressed to tranquilizers, sleeping pills, acid, speed, and trying out unknown medications for my friends. Guess you could say I was a risk taker. It's only by the grace of God that I'm alive. Even though drugs relieved my anxiety and boredom, I was very depressed through most of high school and just barely made it through. Throughout all that time, I wondered where God was and why He didn't seem to care that I was suffering. But I had a good friend who was my teacher in eighth grade. She took the time to talk to me on the phone almost every night, and see me most days after school. Knowing that she cared about me gave me the will to go on living.
In the Fall of my senior year of high school, I met Larry, the man I would marry. He was attending college, studying to become an electrical engineer. I was impressed with his intelligence and sense of humor and we fell deeply in love almost immediately. At first, we made plans to get married in August 1981 after I graduated, but later we decided to heed his parents' counsel and wait until he graduated from college.
That Spring, my two best friends met a man who was the proprietor of a Christian coffee house called The Rainbow's End. They were walking down Kingshighway on one side of the street when they heard music coming from a building on the other side of the street, so they crossed the four-lane road and approached the building.
This man came outside and met them and invited them inside. My friends had no idea who they were meeting; they were only interested in the music they heard; but they went inside with him. Once inside, this man and the other Christians who were there told them about the love and salvation of Jesus and they accepted the Lord that night. As an interesting sidebar, my friends had a large supply of black beauties (speed) with them, and that night, they flushed it all down the toilet.
The next Monday at school, they told me about their experience and I was angered by the whole thing. I was angry that they flushed all their speed. I was angry that they listened to a bunch of Jesus freaks. And I was angry about the prospect of losing my best drugging buddies (they now said they loved only Jesus and would never do drugs again).
For the next week, they told me over and over again about Jesus, God's love, and the Rainbow's End. That's all they talked about. At first, I was too angry to listen. Then I was mildly curious. Then I realized that I was dying to have this peace and joy they had! So I agreed to go with them to the Rainbow's End on March 6, 1981, the next Friday night (one of my usual party nights). That night I heard about the love of Jesus and my great need for His salvation. He had been knocking at my door loudly all week, and that night I opened the door and let Him in. Larry gave his life to Jesus several weeks later, due in small part to my constant witness.
We've been saved and walking with Jesus ever since (well, sort of) but you know how the world and spiritual powers can get you down. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, but never denied and put away the drugs in my life. I was a drug addict back then and stayed on drugs until I got married in 1984. Larry got a job with IBM and we moved to Kingston, New York and suddenly drugs were nowhere to be found. This was not a problem for Larry who never got into drugs. But it majorly bummed me out. We didn't know anyone at first, and after a few months, we met a couple who ran a Christian ministry. I started working at their ministry and they invited us to their church. Larry and I got involved and we were happy growing in the Lord and serving Him until I fell into a very deep depression.
I went back to St. Louis in June of 1987 for a two week vacation, fell in with some old acquaintances, started doing drugs again, and to make a long story short, lost all of my joy completely. My depression got worse and worse until finally I started seeing a psychiatrist who put me on antidepressants and tranquilizers. I quit the ministry and found a job as a desktop publisher at a service bureau. I was no longer doing illegal drugs, but the prescribed drugs made me so drowsy that it was hard to do my work, so after a year, I quit.
During this time, all I wanted was to move back to St. Louis so we could be near our friends and family. I had gotten very close to Larry's mom and wanted to be able to spend more time with her. After two years of begging and pleading, we finally moved back and I quickly fell back into old habits. I thought moving back to my home town would solve all my problems and I would magically be happy again. WRONG!!! Things got worse. I went to a shrink and ended up in the hospital on more drugs than I can take time to list here. When one thing didn't work after a few weeks, we'd try another drug, then another. At one point, I was on as many as eight different psychoactive drugs. My depression got steadily worse and I attempted suicide two times, both resulting in getting my stomach pumped and being placed in the lock-up ward. In all, I went in the hospital nine times between 1991 and 1995.
I had friends who tried to get me to see that all the drugs were what was messing up my life, but I refused to listen. Drugs were comforting. Drugs were my friends. Besides, my doctor wouldn't prescribe anything that would hurt me, would he? But he didn't know that I took a lot of his prescriptions any way I wanted to - sometimes 4 or 6 tranquilizers at a time, just to get a buzz. I wrecked two cars, broke my ankle falling down the stairs, had to appear in court twice for various things I did, and almost drove Larry to divorcing me. Yes kiddies, drugs are fun! Don't listen to those uncool adults who tell you drugs will ruin your life!
To make a long story a little shorter, things were coming to a head in the Spring of 1996. By then, I had begun losing any sense of reality. I was cutting my arms all the time with razor blades. None of my friends could help me, and Larry was about to throw me out of the house. It was very difficult for them to watch what I was going through. They loved me and tried repeatedly to help me, but I was on a destruction course, eyes straight ahead, refusing to see the red flags all around me. I got two dime bags of pot from a friend of a friend, started smoking that every few hours and taking big doses of tranquilizers I'd saved up, and before I knew it, I was totally disconnected from any rational thought. I don't know how to describe what it was like to be out of my mind, though I was there for several weeks. Much of that time is blacked out and I don't even remember it. I have some strange entries in my journal which make no sense. I do remember that it was very scary and very painful, and I was in a raw panic much of the time from fear that I would never be able to return to reality.
Out of desperation, I began calling a couple of old friends from New York who are Christians. I felt that there was a wall in heaven and that God was blocking out my prayers, refusing to have anything to do with me. I cried out to the Lord and heard nothing. But I had the sense to ask my friends to pray for me. At one point, I called one friend and I was so messed up that I couldn't even tell her what to pray for. I was sick and weak, and just begged her, "Pray for me. Just pray"; That was all I could say.
A day or two after that, I was listening to Alanis Morissette on the stereo - that song, "All I Really Want"; and all of a sudden it occurred to me that all I really wanted was Jesus. It just clicked in my head finally that He could heal me, take away my depression, remove my craving for drugs, and give me my mind back. I didn't even have to pray - I just made a decision right then and there that all I wanted in life from that point on was Jesus. I got angry at the drugs and how low they had brought me, and I took all the pills in the house, all the pot, even Robitussin LiquiGels, and put them on the dining room table. Then I just opened up bottle after bottle and threw the contents against the dining room wall. All the while, I was screaming the words to Alanis' song. It felt great and it was very therapeutic. When I was done, I felt better than I had for years, despite the huge mess all around me. There were hundreds of pills and pill fragments everywhere.
Larry came home and I explained to him what was going on and he went away for a few days. I cleaned up the mess and ever since then, I've been a sane person. Of course, there's a little more to it than that, but basically, that was the day that God reached out and totally healed me. I haven't been depressed at all since then, and have never craved or wanted any drugs either. I haven't used any prescription drugs, illegal drugs, or alcohol since then. Only God is able to bring about a change of that magnitude. And when He touches your life like that, you know it was God. My life is a living testimony of His miracle working power!
But it's not just His miraculous powers that I want to tell you about, it's His loving care for each one of us. I did feel many times that He didn't care for me, or that He was even out to get me. But despite my feelings for Him, my lack of faith, my total abandonment of Him, He never walked away from me. As I look back, when things were really bad and I felt so alone, locked up in a back hospital ward, or cutting my arms up at 3:00 a.m., He was still there, carrying me. He wept for me and with me. He gave me friends and family who love me. He protected me from myself. And He waited for me to see that I was ruining my life trying to live it my way. He showed me that all I had to do was truly want to live life on His terms.
A friend shared this allegory with me. When we fall, we are like a little child who is laying on the ground. Our Father comes along and wants to pick us up, but He can't help us unless we lifts our arms up to Him, then he has somewhere to hold on to. If you are in the kind of place I was in, hurting, wondering why you feel so abandoned and alone, lift up your arms to the Father. He knows what you've been doing. He knows all the things you've done wrong. We deserve to be punished for disobeying Him, and continuing to seek our own will rather than His. But despite what we deserve, He didn't send His Son Jesus into the world to condemn us, but to save us. His peace, His joy, His love, will come to us when we accept His free gift of salvation. All we have to do is believe that Jesus died as a payment for our sins, and ask Him to come in to our hearts and give us a new life. It's just that simple. Religion will try to complicate things, creating many paths to God, all of which require hard effort on our part to achieve peace with God. But the Bible makes it clear that we can't do anything to earn God's approval. All we can do is trust in Jesus. Jesus did all the work for us.
I pray you've been blessed by my testimony. If it's touched you in a special way, please email me to let me know. I would love to have the opportunity to hear your story and pray for you!
Michele Appelbaum
michele@webhappy.com
Delivered from drug addiction by the power of God (Julian Dobbs' Testimony)
At the age of 14 my parents moved to the gulf, this was the start of my life on drugs. I had sniffed the odd 'do not inhale' before then but it was there that I started to take drugs, it began with smoking a bit of pot. At about 15 my parents split up, it devastated me. Because of a untidy divorce and my age I was seperated from my mum, sister and brother and I found myself living with my dad, a man I did not know really well as he had traveled throughout my life in his job. Due to the nature of my dads job I found myself being left on my own a lot and missing my brother, sister and mother. My dad in all fairness tried, but he was not a 'house dad' and must have found it difficult.
Anyway it was not long before I sought comfort in drink and progressed on to other drugs. Over the years I progressed to speed, acid and E`s, it seemed harmless fun, but the truth is I was very lonely and was hiding behind them. By the time I was 17 my dad had enough. My sadness and anger mixed with drugs and booze had made me become very aggressive. I had also built up disregard for him and by this time his new wife, so at almost 18 I was shipped back to the UK.
On arriving back I went to live in my mothers house in Cambridge. She was also now remarried and was also living in the gulf with her new husband. I found myself alone again, my brother and sister were living in Wales and I had no friends in Cambridge. Up the pub was the first move and one of the first people I got friendly with was a Hells Angel Nomad. This guy was wild, but we got on, probably through our common interest in bikes and drugs. It was not long before he introduced me to some people who were taking smack. He was not suppose to take it, as for some reason it is against Hells Angels rules. But anyway it was not long before I had a go. That is where the real problems began. We did a lot of crazy things, got into a lot of trouble all for the sake of our by now our habits. The problem is you see, it is a nice drug, a nice high at first, but when you use it a lot you never reach that first high but you still try. It was not long before it took control of me. The other problem was financing it, as you may be able to imagine it is not cheep and the only thing you can do is to turn to crime to feed it.
I wonder now what happened, how and why did I allow myself to go. Despite the fact that my family was hard working and that I was brought up well, to respect people and to be honest drugs had a hold of me. I Now found myself to be a thorn in the side of society, taking all I could get but not giving anything back. Only thinking of myself with a blatant disregard for people and the law.
I got into some deep trouble, well I was lucky my angel friend was not. I lent him a gun to go to a party, the only problem was it was not my gun it was my step fathers and when he returned from Saudi he went to the police. I deceided a quick move was in order and split to Wales. It was not long after getting home that I found myself back in the same old thing. With new friends I was doing the same thing that I had tried to break away from. By this time I had stopped taking so much smack but took a lot of speed. This I believe was at the time worse for me. I became very confused and paranoid, and had really lost focus on what was reality. Mixing with other users, dealers, prostitutes and criminals, it was a crazy time. One day I got caught for a particular crime and I lost it, I could not believe what I had become. My solicitor told the courts that it was a cry for help. I think he was right, I could not go on like I was, If I did I would end up dead like some of my friends over the years or have a breakdown. The courts agreed and fortunately for me showed leniency. Time to make another break. My mum having returned from the Gulf by now came to my rescue and offered me to move away and live with them back in Cambridge.
Sometimes there comes a time in life when you think... Who am I.... What have I done with my life... How have I become like this? This was my time.
Was it the separation and divorce of my parents ? YES. Was it the lack of supervision as a teenager ? YES. Was it the feeling of lonliness ? YES. Was it the moving around and the loss of friends etc ? YES. Was it the drugs? YES. But most of all it was the drugs mixed with all these things.
We all may try to reason out our lives, many of us blame others for our own failings and shortcomings., but we have to except who we are and what we have done and what we have become at some time in our lives instead of partitioning blame on others. It seemed that this was my time and it all came home to me with a tremendous bang. I was depressed big style. Moving on, I was now living with my mum (sad really I am now 20) and stepfather. He asked me if I would like to meet someone who used to have a drug problem, "good idea I thought" so he introduced me to a lady. He explained to me that she been through a lot as well, and that I would be able to talk to her about my feelings and problems. (Little did I know that it was the local Vicars wife). Over the course of a few weeks she told me about her life and things that had happened to her. I was shocked that this woman had done and been through so much. In situations like mine at the time you generally feel that you have done it all, I thought I had wrote the book as to say. She literally had !
Over the period of a few weeks we became friends and she introduced me to some of the young people from her church. Despite the fact that I was still doing drugs I was invited to a meeting, a good opportunity I thought to meet this girl I fancied from the youth group. This meeting was nothing like I thought church was like. (pentecostal) I sat through the meeting, well, I was in and out for a smoke and not really paying attention through it. (I remember thinking look at these nutters what do they know). Anyway at the end there was a call to the front for prayer. I found myself up there ! "Why I asked myself, what are you doing" I have no idea why I went up, I cant really explain, it was not really a voluntary action, what I mean is that I was not really conscious of going forward, I just found myself there as to say. I was last but one in this long line of people. As the minister prayed for people, many of them fell over, they were out cold. It came to my turn, I did not know what was happening, then he asked if he could pray for me, "ok" I said, what shall I pray for he asked. I had no idea and just told him that I did not know ... anything. He prayed and I hit the deck. I will not say here what I thought, but to say I was shocked might sum it up.. What had happened ? I was confused. It was really to much to take in, so the first thing I did was to get up, go out and have a fag. There I had a little chat with the group I went with, they explained to me that God had probably healed me. This was a bit much to take in, God to me was some guy in a book, miracles, well I had never thought about them. All I knew is that I felt really good, would God, if there was a God, I thought to myself heal a person like me. It was just to much to take in.
When I got home I told my mum and step father what had happened. It was really funny, it was like they knew, they felt my excitement and joy and began to cry with happiness. The next day when I awoke I realized that I had been healed from my addictions, they had said I might be the night before, but I did not really relate being healed with drugs, all I knew is that I did not want a fix. I know what you might think, but it was not like that. I was not looking for "spiritual enlightenment" or God, but it was then that I knew that miracles do happen, believe me. I knew then that there was a God . I talked to Liesl the Vicars wife about what had happened, she explained, told me more about Jesus, so I decided to make a commitment. It was wonderful, I was, and felt totally different, clean, it is hard to describe, but I knew for sure in my heart that Jesus had died for my sins and that I was forgiven, that he had cleansed me, renewed my mind. Everything was so clear.
I had never known of such things. To me church was dreary and full of boring old folk. What a surprise to find young, happy and loud people as well as older people. I began to meet other people from backgrounds like mine. I met some people who were saved in prison who had committed horrible crimes. I realized that God loved everyone and that He has the power to transform lives. One thing I can tell you if God can change me he can change you. It doesn't matter who you are or what you have done, sin is sin.
Ask yourself this: Are you going to heaven ? If you think you are why do you think that ? Are you confident ? If you don't believe in heaven or God think of this: Is it worth the gamble of going to hell if it is all true, to spend a lifetime in eternal torment ?
Or is it worth seeking God, to find out more about him and making an informed decision.
Well, I am now 33, married with 2 Children. My wife is called Susan and she is also 33. Born in Libya, she was brought up as a Muslim, when she was converted she said "I never realized that you could have a relationship with God until now" words that have always stuck with me.
I have now just finished Bible college Bryntirion and am looking to take up a years teacher training. I am also the Bridgend Area rep for Tearfund. This involves giving talks on the poor of the world to local churches, telling them how there local churches can support the work of Tearfund, for this I use video and overheads. If your church would like to support Christians throughout the world helping the worlds poor, contact me or the link above. I am also available for talks, ministry and or testimony. If you would like me to visit your church or youth group just drop me a line.
Maybe you would just like to know more about me or my life or would just like someone to talk to.
I would like to add that I am in contact with all my family and have solved any problems I may have had with my father and stepmother. They now live in Cyprus and work for MECO (Middle East Christian Outreach) producing Bibles in Arabic to send to Muslim countrys.
Do you want to know how you be forgiven of your sins, how you can know the living God?
