DENAH TABERNAKEL

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Lost

I have found a dark pit. It seems endless with no escape. Time has stopped and my senses have gone to high alert. My senses, however, have begun to lie to me and reality as become vague. I have never been in such a place before and did not recognize it till yesterday. Now that I know what has happened to me I must fight my way out of the dark place that I have moved into.

Yesterday, a friend went with me to see my doctor. When the nurse called me back, my friend jumped up and went in with me. I was a bit surprise that she would want to go into the examining room with me, but it was ok. As soon as the doctor opened the door, I started to cry. I could not give a reason for the tears, but my friend did. She told the doctor that I was depressed.

I just looked at her. I had no response, so I listened to what she was saying. Sure enough while she spoke I realized she was right. I had missed it. If it had been someone else, I would have recognized what was going on and helped that person, but I did not recognize it in myself.

I thank God that my friend went with me yesterday, because I was in a bad and dangerous place. I was close to the point were I would not have been able to move anymore. I was shutting down.

Apparently starting when my mother died, I slowly was slipping into the dark recesses of my mind. My thoughts had become morbid and dark. My behavior withdrawn. My relationship with God diminishing. My contact with the outside world ...on hold. I could not move any longer. I quit answering the phone and even listening to my messages. I did not respond to my emails and have turned off my instant message. I only went out when I had to..like helping deliver the baby and only talked to people that caught me.

Yesterday, was the first time that I cried hard over my mothers death. It seems like there has never been time to really let it out. I, of course, did not even realize that I needed to do this. I am the one who always take care of others and not myself.

I have, over the last two months, kept busy with plans and activities, but have finally gotten to the point where I can not do anything any more. I am frozen in time and place. If not for my dear friend, I would have continued to fall deeper into the dark pit and let go of everything I hold dear. But, today, I know the problem and feel some relief that I can come back to life.

I have never suffered with depression before. I have always been able to let things go and move on. This, apparently is not something I can shrug off. I was in trouble. I have never done grief counseling and am not sure where to start. Time, I am sure, will take care of things, but I do wonder why this is so much harder than my father or anyone else's death. I am assuming that part of it is the reality of my own mortality. Death has become a focus of my mind.

For some reason, I keep writing the blog. It has not been very good and certainly not very supernatural, but I keep writing. The really remarkable thing is that God continues to use me. I can be feeling like dirt and someone will come to me for spiritual guidance and the Lord will take over me and minister to the person. But, as soon as it is over, I slip back into my dark pit. I have not shared with anyone, not even my husband, what has been happening to me. Not wanting to talk, I have kept it all to myself. I just kept slipping further away from life.

So, in my fight back, I will focus on my hope. My God and Creator. I think of David and his bouts with depression and know, through reading the gospels, that I too will find victory. I shared last night with two women from my community group what was happening to me. One stayed for hours afterwards and just sat with me. It was good to talk and try to sort things out. God, always, sends people to listen and console.

I am hoping that this is not like loosing weight. So easy to put it on and so hard to take it off. But, I am a victor and find my strength in the Lord.

Baby Update

Little Pearce is doing better. He has a "leak" in his heart, that should take care of itself. They could no reason for him not using his arm, it is now down to not moving one arm. But, there has been some movement and the doctors feel that with therapy he will probably be able to eventually use his arm.

He is breathing on his own and has gained weight. Mom and baby came home together yesterday.

As for mom, she is better as well. Women, especially her mother, have been mimicking for her, what bonding would look like. Caring for the child, in front of her, has if he were their own. Her mother called me last night and said that all the prayer and help from others as caused a huge difference. She praises God for the change as do I.

So many prayers for this little guy. The prayers went up for his healing and for his relationship with his mother. The prayers fell on God's ear and change began. I must confess that I did not expect such a change. My lack of faith reared its head. But, grandma did not loose faith and she was specific in what she wanted and God gave her her hearts desire.

Grandma continue to work with her daughter and continues to pray. God continues to amaze me and I am grateful for His ways.

Dogs and Sin

I seem to collect dogs, even though I do not have one. Even though I live in the middle of a city, my backyard is a small woods leading to a park. People dump their dogs in the woods and for some reason they, the dogs, park themselves on my porch. Not my neighbors porches, just mine.

This week we had the ugliest dog I have ever seen arrive. She was a pit mix, but, was a sweet dog. Very kind and became very loyal to my porch. Not wanting to let anyone visit me. I liked her, but could not keep her, so she is at the Humane Society now. I can only pray that she will be adopted.

That aside, I have wanted a dog for quit a while now. My husband does not want to have a dog and so I submit to his will and just continue to want. In my scheming ways, I thought I had come up with a way to break my husbands will.

My oldest son has left his dog with friends here in town. Those friends are moving to Texas, so the dog needs to be cared for elsewhere. This dog is great. Everyone loves this dog. So, I thought here is my opportunity. I will care for "buckets" for a few days, my husband will fall in love with her and I will have my dog.

Now, Buckets is not a small dog. She is some kind of bull terrier with mastiff in her. Weight...oh, probably 100. She is black and beautiful. So friendly, obedient and loyal. So, while my husband was at work, I went and got her.

Ever notice how our sin starts out in the dark. No one seems to notice including ourselves. We see it as a nonevent. Something good. "It won't hurt anyone." We rationalize the dark and try to bring it into the light.

I bought some food for Buckets and a leash. We came home and I took her for a walk. Buckets likes water. So, when I walked towards the river, she decided to walk me into the water. I dug my heels into the dirt and said "NO". She pulled, I pulled. I sat on the ground and yelled "sit". Down she went. So, there we sat.

"Let's go this way." I said. She relinquished, but pulled me along. I guided her, the best I could, to a pool of water in the park. In she went. Not willing to let go of the leash, I am not bend over the water laughing at the situation, praying please don't let me go in.

Our sins pull us every which direction. The sin may pull us into what we consider a wrong direction and we in our naivety think that we have control when we say "no" to that direction, but then we allow the direction to go in a way that does not feel quit as bad. We rationalize that this is not so bad and sit down with our sin.

My hands were red from Buckets pulling so hard. At the pond, while swimming in a limited space, she picks up a log, not a stick, a log. She swims to me and presents me with her gift. Grateful and happy to have such a great dog, I am full of joy. What a great dog.

Sins always bring pleasure. Feel goods that continue to tell us "it is ok". No harm, no foul.

We head home. Cars pass us and head turns. Buckets draws attention. Her stature and beauty is noticed by everyone, but no one approaches us, she is a good dog. She take me right home. She already knows where she lives, such a smart dog. We go into the house. I keep her on the leash, not wanting my cat to be attacked.

We tend to think that we have control of our sin. As our sin starts to get control of us though, we tend to make it ours and not let it begin to infect others. Because, as that thing grows in us, we start to have to acknowledge that it is in fact sin. So, we try to keep a tight reign on it and try to give ourselves some sense of control. But, we are actually out of control.

Dog meets cat. Barking ensues and cat runs for his life. "No". Dog sits down. Cat is hiding. I think, what a good dog.

Me and my new dog decided to go outside and play. We have a great time. I throw a ball and she jumps up and catches it in mid air. She does not want to stop. I sit down and throw the ball. She brings it back to me and lays it in my lap. She just does not stop. Over and over again with the ball. She never tires. "Lets go back in the house."

Dog meets cat. Barking ensues and cat runs for his life. "No." Dog sits down. Cat is hiding. I think, what a good dog.

Our sin begins to wear us out. But, we continue to believe that we will be ok. It is what I want. No harm. I can do this. It will not be a problem.

Another walk. I enjoyed her so much the first walk, with my red hands and watered down shoes. Why not. So, off we go. I avoided the river and we headed straight for the pool. Oh, no. DUCKS... Never letting go of the leash, off we went. Ducks take off. We take off. I stop of the edge of the water, while Buckets go for a dive. Out of breath I think "that was a close one." But, I still have control here and we are doing well. Not a problem.

I want to head home. Buckets has other ideas. So, we stroll around till Buckets decides it is time to go home. Ok, so I don't have control, I still have a dog.

Eventually, in our sin, we do finally, completely lose control. We begin to crash and loose site of what is truly important. We begin to loose site of what it is that God wants and in our sin we loose the desire to please God. We becomes so selfish we only covet our sin.

Buckets takes me home. I am tired. My husband is now home. "That's one big dog", is his only response. He knows my plan. I am trying to break him down to my way of thinking. Why can't he just think like me. Why does he have to be so stubborn and just let me have my way.

So, we argue with God about our sin. Why is this so important to you. It is just a small thing. Come on, it will not hurt anyone.

Buckets spent the night with us. She stayed in a room in the basement and barked all night. She would not relent. She wanted to be with me. So loyal to the hand that feeds her. My cat slept with us, fearful that that monster downstairs may escape and eat him. What chaos I created with my scheme. So, I gave up. Buckets is just to much for me. My body is sore and I am tired. She wore me out. She is now on my daughters farm, running free and bringing balls to my grandchildren over and over again. They can keep up with her. She is happy and I am resting.

When we finally face our sin and place them in the hands of God, there is rest. When we quit letting the sin drag us around and dictate to us, we find peace. When we realized that we have no control over this beast of burden then we have freedom and walk the path to love.

Buckets and I will visit each other. Not at my house, but at hers. She is a good dog, just not my dog. My husband was patient with the whole situation and waited for me to give up, which I did. Do I still want a dog? Yep, but I will set that want aside and take care of my cat. He needs me right now...he has been traumatized a bit.

DAHSYAT !!! RAHASIA SURGA Mulai Terungkap (Referensi: Penglihatan Rev Dr Jaerock Lee)

Rahasia-rahasia Surga:
1. Taman Eden

Taman Eden berada di langit kedua (ingat, bukan kerajaan surga tingkat kedua!), berada di dunia roh, tetapi berbeda dengan dunia roh yang ada di langit ketiga.