Out Of Lesbian Compromise (Alison)

Today I want to share with you the story of my temporary descent into deep sin. It involves secular entertainment (music, tv, film etc), as well as certain examples of CCM, all of which gradually led me away from God and into homosexual sin.

The background information of my story begins in September 2000, and carries on up until a few short months ago.

I was a senior at an all-girls' Catholic boarding school. I had gotten saved nearly a year earlier, and I was reading the Bible almost every day. But I often found it hard to concentrate. Sometimes, a schoolmate would randomly interrupt me to ask to borrow something or some other trivial thing. Most of the girls in my dorm listened to rock, pop or hip hop music, and this often disturbed my readings.

I decided to counter this with some CCM. I had a few 4HIM CDs, which I felt and still feel are fairly well-rooted in the Word, but at that point they seemed a bit, well, boring. I received a CCM catalog in the mail, and one CD caught my eye.

The girl on the cover had a sensual, defiant, pouty expression on her face, and the description of the album had a blurb reading, 'If you like Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, you'll love this!' I bought it, and it was a pleasant distraction from the daily grind (warning sign).

The singer was only 14 years old, but the CD insert had pictures of her heavily made up and glamorized. She posed with a flower in her hand, a symbol of innocence, yet she was being promoted as 'sexy' and 'cool'. Her vocal talent is questionable, but the beats were catchy (carnal) and the synthesisers and background instrumentation were appealing.

At best, she vaguely sang about God, but on one of the CD's interludes, titled 'My name is', she simply repeated her name to a background of hypnotic beats for 15 seconds. I've changed her name, but it ran thus:

My name is Jenny Joy Smith (echo 'Jenny Joy Smith') My name is Jenny Smith (echo 'Jenny Joy Smith') My name is Jenny Smith Jenny Smith

It was bizarre, but since it was so short, I shrugged it off.

I soon bought other CDs, similar, but less overtly sexual. However, I began to focus on listening and singing to the songs, rather than spending time with God in silence. ("Be still, and know that I am God.") I even wrote a few songs of my own, complete with music - one of which was one of the most heart-wrenching tunes I've ever heard. The song made me sad, though the lyrics were about a girl crying out to God and meeting Jesus in a powerful vision.

I slipped back into listening to secular music so easily. I had it on during much of the day; I often tuned in first thing in the morning (now I tune into God first thing in the morning; "Seek ye first the kingdom of God..") I listened to a late-night radio show dealing with the 'love life' problems of callers (mostly unmarried or adulterous, many my age <18> or younger).

The songs between calls had lyrics all about sexual-romantic love, with music to match. I became dependent on the show; I couldn't fall asleep without listening to it, or watching a concert video of a now-defunct boyband (which led me to lust and fantasise about one of the members).

I bought some of my old favorite CDs, and soon my Bible reading, church attendance and prayer were down to dangerously minimal levels. I often listened to music as a form of escape - from other people, from homework, and yes, from God. I was so caught up in cares of the world, I didn't 'have time' for God.

I thought I must be okay, since it wasn't hardcore rock or rap or overtly satanic. I learned the hard way that if it isn't focused on God, it's focused on the devil - whether deliberately or by de facto.

Then Satan decided I was ready for a bigger, more sinister trap.

I met K, a young woman in the grade below me. She was living in school temporarily while her parents were away on vacation. When I met her, she was wearing a bright rainbow-striped jacket, sporting a boyish haircut, and her overall demeanor defiantly said 'Lesbian'. She was friends with one of my younger friends, and so we became an automatic trio.

I could see the pain in her eyes, behind the hardness she had cultivated. I felt sure she was gay, but didn't mention it. I don't remember how it came up, but she followed something she'd said with a pause and then the words, "By the way, this is my way of telling you 'I'm gay.'" It was a challenge; she knew I was a Christian, and she gauged my reaction, which was to blush and stammer, "Oh, okay then..Um, I mean some Christians say that..I'm not really sure where I stand on.. um..anyway." We changed the topic out of mutual embarassment.

In the following days, I became fast friends with her. We did have an in-depth discussion/debate while sitting outside our rooms in the hall, and a few others sat down to listen and laugh at our banter. K (who also features in my main testimony) aggressively defended her sister's Wiccan beliefs, and her own sympathy and interest in them. She said something offensive to me, and I stood up, declaring, "I had no idea you could be such a b*tch." (Yes, I had also lapsed into swearing by this point.) There was an awkward lull, followed by nervous laughter. Someone cracked a joke, and I sat down again.

Soon, K and I began to hold long talks alone together in her room (danger sign). Never having met an out lesbian before, I was fascinated (more danger), and I recalled my pre-Christian ponderings of possible bisexual orientation (major danger).

Very soon, we were mutually infatuated with one another. My fear of possible latent homosexual drives led me to dwell on the possibility, analysing every word and action too deeply. The more I thought about it and analysed my past gay attractions, the more it seemed to 'make sense.'

My attraction to her, by God's grace, did not entirely overpower my desire to see her meet the Lord. My baptism was coming up in a month's time, and I prayed fervently for K (one of the few things in those days which really brought me to my knees). God was willing and able to work through me despite my imminent sin, and for that I am eternally grateful. However, that said, I was increasingly attracted to her. My curiousity led me to believe that I desired her, and indeed, we did develop a strong emotional codependence.

We spent less and less time with other friends and more and more time with each other. Our talks led late into the night, and both our academic work and our health suffered. After a night of many words, spoken and unspoken, and after days of 'testing the waters' with reciprocal flirting, I had a sense that this night would determine the direction of our relationship. Part of me wanted to literally flee (I later realised that this was the Holy Spirit urging me to flee temptation, as advised in the Bible). Part of me was rooted to the spot with nerves, and a third part of me was eager to determine my 'orientation' with a sexual experience. She did not pressure me, nor did I pressure her; we were mutually lustbound.

I reached a point at which I felt I had to say something or do something or burst. I asked her, in the line of conversation, whether she was a 'lights-on' person or a 'lights-off' person during sexual activity. She paused, then said, 'Lights-off.' I turned off the literal light as well as the light of God and fell into awkward carnal sin. Even as we sinned, I felt fear and revulsion. I also felt something leave me; but I felt strangely compelled to continue. Neither of us felt any measurable enjoyment, but we convinced ourselves and one another that we did.

When I eventually dressed and returned to my room, I looked in the mirror above my sink. I was terrified that I would see a demon looking back at me. I stared deeply into my own eyes, afraid I'd see a change.

Apart from my look of fear, I seemed the same. I had a restless sleep after agonizing over what we had done.

The next day, I felt awkward to say the least. I was afraid that someone would confront me with the rumors which had been circulated about me and K long before that night. I especially feared that B, my friend who had been instrumental in leading me to the Lord, would sense a change in me. I laughed with her about the rumors, after foolishly bringing them to her attention. I denied them; she saw through me, but never confronted me about it.

K and I avoided each other all day, but after school, she came to my room to talk. We were each unsure what the other was thinking. Somehow, we decided to engage in our sin again. Soon after, we both became very ill. I'm talking swollen glands, fever, chills, nausea, exhaustion, sinus problems, headaches, restlessness - you name it. Quarantined from lessons, we spent most of our waking hours in one another's rooms. Our caretakers thought nothing of it.

Through it all, God let K see Himself in me in some way. She asked me similar questions to the ones I had asked B shortly before receiving Christ. I continued to pray for K, and God prepared her heart.

Even though they lived in a different city, both B and K were present at my baptism. At the end of the service, K accepted Jesus. We were not free to discuss the implications of the event on our 'relationship', because B was there, and besides, K was too preoccupied jubilating in Christ. I gave her the 'bad news' that now Satan was going to pull out all the stops to get her away from God (oh if only I had listened to my own Godly wisdom), and that prayer, Bible reading and Christian fellowship were vital to her spiritual growth (at which Satan's minions must have laughed, "What a hypocrite!")

We carried on in our confused sin, both loving it and hating it. At some point we told B what she and most of the other girls at school already knew. I had done extensive reading of the Bible's so-called 'gay-bashing' passages, and had also sought the opinion of other Christians on the subject (mistake - "Let God be true, and every man a liar"!). I had come to the tenuous conclusion that maybe K and I weren't breaking God's heart, maybe, and that we loved each other, maybe, and that our love was a gift from God, maybe. Through all this, K and I went to (separate) churches, prayed, praised God etc., and He still was with each of us in some way. He can not change and can not lie; when He says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you," He means it!

Christmas vacation came and went. K and I tried to 'make love' upon my return, but we were simply going through the motions. Over the vacation,

I had prayed fervently for God to give me an unmistakable sign if our 'love' was wrong. I told Him what a coward I was, and that if one of us had to dump the other, K needed to dump me. He honored my earnest prayer. After a restless night for K (but oddly not for me), she awoke feeling nauseated. We spent the day together in public, barely speaking. She bought a card to apologise to her mother for staying out all night and lying about where she was going. I walked her to the train station so she could go home. We said nothing. I had a feeling that something was about to happen. She turned to me and said, "You know what I'm about to say, don't you."

I shook my head; I couldn't speak. I knew the gist of it, but not what her exact words would be. She said tearfully, "I can't see you anymore. My parents don't approve and I've gotta respect that." "Okay", I choked. Inside, I heard God's voice: "This is My sign to you." I felt the weight of my sin - our sin - and as we both cried, she boarded her train. "Don't cry about me, okay? It's not worth it," I pleaded.

I walked around town in a daze. Her parents? What had they to do with it? So many questions, so much pain. I felt crushed, as if something inside me had pulled a string attached to the inside of the top of my skull and the inside of the soles of my feet, until I was crumpled like an accordion.

On the following Monday, when school started again, B, K and I all sat down and talked. K and I shared the joy of being reconciled to God. We felt a little sad, but the greater part of our shame and sadness was gone, and we laughed and talked like 'just friends.' Sadly, this was not to last.

As the first month apart went on, we maintained and even strengthened our co-dependency. If we weren't talking together in the common area, we were on the phone to each other or sending phone messages. We talked about how we had had positive experiences during our relationship, and how that was confusing to us. ("God is not the author of confusion.") She told me she had no intention of becoming celibate or trying to 'go straight' with God's help, which was enough to shake my tenuous desire to do so.

Our intensity of feeling led to jealousy and melancholy. She let me know that she 'wanted me back', and I admitted the same. We each prayed independently for God's guidance. I prayed for God to take those feelings away if that was His will. They got stronger. And stronger. And stronger. So did hers.

I prayed for a sign. I said to God, "If it's okay with you that we get back together, K will come to my room today without me asking her to, and while here, she will try to kiss me." She came to my room. We hugged, cried a little. The hug went on too long, and I felt desire stirring, as well as apprehension. She kissed my cheek, then my ear. I joked, "Are you trying to tell me something?" She replied, "You tell me." I asked her, "Are you totally sure this is okay?" "95%. You?"

"Not sure," I sighed. We let go. But within the hour, we did kiss. When we broke apart, she looked crestfallen. My joy gave way to terror - was God convicting her of sin? The kiss had felt so right to me! I quickly apologised to her. We sat in silence, staring at the floor. Then she looked at me, studying me. "What? I can't read minds. Or faces." She kissed me and laughed, "Can you read actions?" And so, just like that, we were back together. This time, Satan's deception included small signs and wonders, perversions of God's signs which further convinced us that God blessed our unholy union.

Our sin led us to further the lie that gay relationships are okay with God. Other people were either supportive or indifferent; her parents accepted me and treated me almost as a daughter-in-law; and worst of all, B gradually became infatuated with K. Neither of us knew at the time that B had often questioned her 'orientation.' Being a virgin with almost no sexual experience of any degree (she'd only ever kissed before), she had no reference point for her gay feelings.

Eventually, during my summer absence, B and K became involved, and K dumped me. I again decided to give up my gay lifestyle, and for a while I was reconciled to God. Yet I maintained contact with both K and B, I wasn't attending church, I didn't read the Bible regularly, and I soon left home (where I was socially isolated) for college, where the vast majority of students is 'open-minded' and 'experimental'.

The only 'friends' I made there were queer (gay, bi or transexual), or at least queer-friendly. I joined the Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Society when I should have been joining the Christian Union or a Bible study group and finding a church family to hold me accountable. I was one of only two or three regular female members, and God arranged circumstances so as to prevent me from becoming involved with either of them.

Fast-forwarding - I had one more gay encounter, consisting of a few kisses. Thankfully, it went no further (God showed me His hand in this.)

Since then, I have not had any sexual contact with any person, and a few months after my last encounter, I finally submitted to God's will in the matter. I prayed, "Lord, if the gay lifestyle is always sinful, please help me to change. Please help me to become celibate, and/or give me a healthy attraction to men. I used to love men, and I've never really stopped. Please heal me if it is Your will."

Within an hour of my prayer, I was destroying my 'pride' paraphanalia - anything with a rainbow on it, issues of a lesbian magazine I'd bought, gay books, gay writings, gay anything. I even got rid of my secular CDs and books. I also raided my wardrobe, removing all immodest or dark clothing (by dark I mean gothic-punk style stuff, not dark colors.) The next time I had access to a computer, I canceled my account at gay.com.

I didn't tell any of my LGBT 'friends' about my decision for Christ, but in the following weeks, I ran into all of them while in town or on campus. All but 2 ignored me; many looked me directly in the eye and said nothing, just walked past. I had begun to pray, to read and love God's Word, and to search for a church home. Some even seemed to recoil from me a little bit. I was not very lonely or disappointed; rather I was glad that they could sense God's presence in me!

Of the two that did continue to speak to me, one was a gay male friend whom had always stood by me, no matter what others thought of me. While not sharing my beliefs, he did respect them, and God allowed me to witness to him on several occasions. He said he disliked the way I had of 'making him feel guilty without even trying' (praise God for conviction of sin!), yet he still sought my friendship. The other, the president of the LGBT society, said hello to me on my last day of term; she was at a distance, walking past with friends, and she had dark sunglasses on. Perhaps she felt 'safe' talking to me under those circumstances.

Praise God, most of my lustful feelings for females have gone. I have begun to dream of a possible future husband, always reminding myself that it's up to God whether or not He intends for me to marry. Either way, I will be content with the greatest lover of all - a Lover of my soul, Who will never cheat or lie or leave me. I continue to pray for B and K; I speak to K occasionally online, but currently have no contact with B. Both at last report (from themselves) were still unsure about what God thinks about homosexual relationships, but both also seek the heart of God, and I trust that in time they too will find the truth about the matter.

I acknowledge that gay attractions are most likely not a choice, but gay RELATIONSHIPS always are. Just as people must refrain from adultery, fornication, pedophilic acts, bestial acts, acts of sexual violence, lust, lustful masturbation, incest, prostitution and every other sexual sin, people must refrain from homosexual activity. I invited those evils into my life by my tolerance of and pleasure in worldly things, including secular music, ungodly examples of CCM, television and so on, as well as my failure to root myself in the truth of God. I know now that if we build upon the Rock, we shall weather every storm. "Proclaiming themselves wise, they became fools.." "Let any man who thinks he standeth take heed, lest he fall.." "Like a dog unto his vomit, so a fool turneth again to his folly." I realise that believers must be grounded in the Word of God (I only read the KJV); we must praise God for His glory and to remind everyone (ourselves included) that He is Lord and Almighty Judge; that we must take His.

Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.

Alison

Delivered from Pornography (Randal Coats)

Here is my story, I have told it to only a few people and have kept it a secret for 3 yrs now. Even my pastor has kept it on the back burner, if this will help me reach out to others then here it goes. Let it bring glory to Jesus.

Since I was 7 yrs old I was in bondage to pornography I'm 40 yrs old and was delivered from that bondage when I was 37. Since that time God has taken completely away any urges to masturbate or view pornography, God has allowed me to fall in love with my wife of 15 yrs for the "right" reasons all over again and our lovemaking is more exciting now than when I was in bondage. HE has restored our finances and blessed our home, HE has given me a reason for living again and I know that HE has great things planned for me.

I was first exposed to pornography when I would go into my dad's little workshop that he had made out of one the utility closets in our apartment. On his wall he had nude pictures of women and I would secretly go in there and stare at them, I didnt understand what I was looking at but it awoke something inside of me and I also started masturbating at that time also, there are other things I was exposed to but those memories are too painful to go back to and it would dishonor my dad and I dont hold any blame towards him at all because he doesnt know what he did would affect me he was only doing what his fathers did before him and I have forgiven him and still love him even though at age 75 he stills watches scrambled porn on cable. By the way that curse has been broken and it will no longer be passed down to my 2 sons!

I had a typical up bringing and went to church and did the status quo but secretly every chance I got I would seek out the usual mags and videos when I could. Just going into a convience store I would look at the covers of the magazines to get my fix when I was under 18 it was all that i needed at that time.

I never hardly had any girlfriends because I didnt have any healthy role models, playboy and penthouse was where I got my learning from and the women in those magazines became my girlfriends.

When I became 18 and got a job I had the money to be more daring in feeding my addiction especially working nights as I did for alot of years but I always kept on the fringe while going to church at the same time, I was smart enought not to get myself into a situation that would expose me. As time passed I met my wife and thought that my bondage would end but I married her for all the wrong reasons... I married her because of the sex I would get and had repressed for so many years it was like an alcoholic working in a brewery. But it didnt satisfy me and I got more bolder viewing pornography since I worked nights and my wife worked during the day, now I hated going into adult book stores and spending our hard earned money if it was only a few dollars at a time. I can still smell the odor from inside those places.

I had gotten away from church also and God and we were always living from paycheck to paycheck it was putting my marriage on the rocks, we never seemed to have enough at the end of the week or month so when I didnt have any extra money to waste just simply going into and looking at the adult movies covers in the local movie rental store would satisfy my craving then I would bring it into our bedroom. The Lord had been working on me during this time and His Holy Spirit kept talking to me and I knew I had a problem and wanted out. I tried different things to be free but I did it in secret and would never completely surrender, I always held back 2 percent and Now I know God wants 100 percent from us.

This kept on for a number of years and there were so many times where I almost got caught in the act but managed to escape without incident.

Then one day while my wife was at work and my little boy was sleeping in his room I watched 2 hours of the playboy channel and found myself never being fulfilled I had had enough and comtemplated suicide, I was tired, hurt,and felt that my family would be better off without me. I couldnt live this double life any longer or else they would put me in a mental hospital, so as I was preparing dinner after finally turning off the cable t.v. as I was cutting onions I put the blade to my wrist , I was so scared I didnt want to die but I couldnt go on any longer, I had prayed so many times to be free... then that is when the Lord spoke to me as I put the blade to my wrist... He said "YOU DONT HAVE THAT RIGHT TO TAKE YOUR LIFE, ONLY I HAVE THAT RIGHT SO PUT THE KNIFE DOWN GO INTO YOUR BEDROOM AND GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND ASK ME TO DELIVER YOU THE RIGHT WAY LIKE A REAL MAN!"

I went into that room and did what I was told crying for a solid hour asking for repentence and deliverence, I was totally broken and had no where to go.

A few weeks passed after that and I noticed that my urges had left me. I confided to a very dear christian elder who was vendor at where I worked, I asked him to pray for me if he would and he said no problem and then he left to take care of his products.

One week later this elder came to me on his day off to my job and asked if he could speak to me privately it was urgent that he speak to me.

He told me that one night he was praying for me and as he was praying he saw me in a cloud and wrapped around me were very thick heavy ropes and I couldnt move at all then he said he heard God's voice in the background saying" I HAVE HEARD RANDAL'S PLEA FOR DELIVERENCE AND REPENTENCE AND I WILL NOW RELEASE HIM FROM HIS BONDAGE. I HAVE GREAT PLANS FOR HIM BECAUSE OF HIS EARNEST PRAYER BUT HE MUST BE PATIENT."

My friend told me during this time the heay thick ropes that held me in bondage started falling off one by one and I was free. At that moment my friend put his hand on my shoulder crying and told me "God loves you Randal, be patient he has great plans for you".

Then he gave me a hug and walked away praising God.

That was 3 yrs ago and I must admit I was very skeptical when he spoke to me but I cannot deny what has happened to me and there are so many times when I think the ride is going to end and Im going to fall off but everytime Christ tells me that He wont let me fall off because His Love for me has me strapped in for eternity.

There is so much more to this story, if this will help anyone then let it be done and let glory be given to Christ!

Randal Coats

Delivered from Mormon Deception (Roxanne Johns)

I was raised in a devout Mormon family and my parents and one of my 4 brothers are still active Mormons; my other 3 brothers are borderline atheists at this point. I had experienced a few times, the "witness of the holy ghost" (aka bosom burning) that is so common in Mormonism. But because of unanswered questions that troubled me so much about that faith, I went through a 10 year period of deprogramming, during which the Lord penetrated my heart with the pure, simple, beautiful message of Christianity. I gave my life to Christ early this year. I had always thought of myself as a Christian but I wasn't reading my Bible or truly trusting God until this awakening.

A few months later (about 5 months ago now), I prayed as a typically did up until then, for this "witness of the holy ghost" as an answer to my prayers, certain decisions I needed help making. I wanted a sign from above to confirm that God was with me, that he loved me and approved of my choices. One nagging prayer was repeated - that God would reveal for me the reason why my Mormon friends and family do in fact receive the witness of the holy ghost, to confirm the divinity of the book of mormon, if in fact, it wasn't of God at all. I didn't yet understand that this type of prayer was unbiblical and left-over Mormonism. The spirit came, the same bosom-burning, loving/beautiful feeling, beyond any explanation.

Pure love. This will sound bazaar to most but as God as my witness, after I praised and welcomed it, this very real person/spirit purposely and forcefully sexually aroused me, followed by unearthly sexual pleasure.

It repeatedly lied and claimed to be God, seeking my love and worship and praise. It would grow warmer and stronger when I would praise it. For 4 days I bounced between praising it and demanding it out in the name of Jesus Christ. Although it was very convincing that it had to be God, I knew that it was unbiblical, as it clearly did not wish for me to read my bible or take care of my responsibilities - it simply wanted me to be alone, put my head back and commune with it as it moved through me in an almost tangible way, over and over. When I finally decided to completely ignore it altogether and solely focus my thoughts on Jesus, it left in a dramatic way, causing me to cough violently. As it left, I felt light (it had made me feel slow and heavy) and scriptural knowledge was poured into me quickly "of course that was not me, but the God of the Book of Mormon, who you ask for.

It is gone and has no legal right to return to you, I am with you. Do not seek signs or feelings because they are deceiving, my love for you is confirmed in the scriptures and my Word is sufficient. Testify of this devil to the Mormons that you know".

I know that there are many Christian scholars who teach that what I experienced as a Christian is impossible. But it happened. I don't know if a Christian who had not been involved in the occult could have a devil enter them or not. My Lord never abandoned me, I invited this deceptive angel of light and God, in his glory, used this awful, invasive experience to give me my answer, the testimony that satan is leading Mormons into Hell and they need us to witness to them.

Satan is real, he is crafty and can appear more beautiful than any earthly person. He is a liar and I can't emphasise enough that he hates Christians and our witnessing, our coming to the light and sharing it with others. It is a very personal war and he tells us that we are insignificant but in truth, our testimonies are a terrific threat to the devil. Don't keep quiet!

In Jesus,

Roxanne Johns

Delivered from Satanism, Witchcraft and Buddhism (A Testimony from Lynne)

The home I grew up in was very chaotic. All my life I just wanted a family, a safe place to belong and be loved. My dad often abandoned the family leaving my Mom to raise three daughters. When he was home I was constantly being physically abused as well as emotionally, mentally and sexually abused.

Our religion was Buddhism and the church was a very big part of our lives. This religion was all I knew growing up. It was taught that Jesus was just a man who lived a long time ago and Christian were lost people living by a lot of rules. As a young girl, I was very shy and timid, and the church had a mind set to make a leader out of me.

In my early teenage years, I became intrigued with the occult. I started reading ooks and buying ingredients to cast spells. I found power in the occult, and most importantly, I found a place to belong. For the first time in my life I was in control. Then at age 15 I made a decision to give my life and will to Satan. From that moment, my life made a downward spiral. Satan fed my ego and gave me strength, all the while, he was sucking the life out of me. I forfeited everything good about me.... all morals, values and beliefs. While still participating in Buddhist activities, I secretly worshipped demons and Lucifer.

I practiced black magic and later white magic (I thought it was good -- as it was not in the name of Satan). I would like to add, especially for the benefit of those who just "dabble" in the occult, no matter how minute your dabbling might be, when you open the door to the occult you open the door to an evil that only Jesus can shut. When I became an adult I received my own Buddhist altar, at the urging of my mother, and became heavily involved with the new age movement and also became a student of eastern philosophies and doctrines. I was even teaching my daughter about these things. During this whole time no one ever shared the message of Christ with me -- not in all my life. I know this may seem hard to believe but I bare witness to this fact and I hope that anyone that reads this will become a little more aware of how their witnessing does make a difference. Just because you were born in America does not mean you have heard the message.

My life ultimately ended up in a severe state of depression. I was suicidal and was hospitalized twice for severe depression. The group of people I called friends were just users and being around them would suck the life out of you. Depression is like being sucked into a black cloud and you don't have the energy or will to even care if you get out or get help. I reached a point of refusing all help and medications. I finally reached a point of becoming fully convinced that I had already lived my life, died and was in hell. This was hell. Suicide attempts failed and reinforced my beliefs that I could not die because I was already dead.

One Monday morning a co-worker approached me. He was an Army Colonel and we called him Murph. He said that he thought about Sara, my daughter, and me over the weekend.

"Oh???" I said, rather surprised and suspicious.

"Yes," he said, "I was in church and the two of you came to my mind and I just want you to know that the Lord has placed a heavy burden in my heart for both of you and I want you to know that I'm praying for both of you."

I was on my second marriage that was on-again/off-again and abusive, finally ending with the death of my father-in-law. His name was Chuck and he was dying of cancer. We loved each other and needed each other in our own ways. My husband and I reconciled during this time of crisis and we all moved into my house. Chuck became so special to me and I shared a tenderness with him that I never knew with my own father. One night I was talking to him about dying and he said he wasn't afraid because he was going to heaven. We held hands and as he dozed off I cried and for the first time I prayed to God.

"God, I don't know if you can hear me from hell, but if you can, please hear me and answer my prayer. I don't believe in you but I know Chuck does. And I know I deserve to be here but Chuck doesn't belong here. Please heal him or bring him home to You. No one should ever suffer like this."

About 36 hours later Chuck died in my home. After they removed his body, my husband expressed his deep appreciation for my help and then informed me that he was ready to finalize our divorce.

My whole world fell apart. I would sit in the dark in a corner of my bathroom. I would curl up in a fetal position, hold my head, pull my hair, and cry out in agony.... many times I would cry out what I call the silent scream. That's a scream so loud that is internal. The torment was beyond anything imaginable. I would walk through the house screaming at Chuck's God.

"GOD, get me out of here! I don't want to be here anymore! You took Chuck when I asked you, so I KNOW you hear me! Get me out of here!"

My daughter would just watch me in numbness. Her face became like stone and she walked with her head down, burying her emotions deep inside.

One night I was flipping through the television channels in my room. I ran across a Christian station and began to watch even though I could not comprehend the things they were saying and I couldn't hear much because of the loud noise in my head. In some small way, it brought a sense of comfort just to have it on. Gradually, I began to sit in front of the television. I had no idea of what they were talking about since I had never been around Christianity but I began to want to know the person of Jesus they kept talking
about.

Upon returning to work after a leave of absence, Murph called me into his office. It has been two and a half years since he told me he was praying for me. He never mentioned anything to me bout this since that time. I walked into his office and he shut the door. He walked back to his desk, sat down and began to sob.

I remember him telling me, "Linda, Jesus loves you so much. I have not stopped praying for you since the time I told you that the Lord had placed a burden in my heart for you two. He has such a good life planned for you and wants so much for you to just believe in Him. Please, please trust Him."

I was shocked. No one ever told me anything like this before. (The closest thing I guess would be a neighbor that constantly told us we were going to hell, but never shared "why" we were going to hell or the plan of salvation.) I think I was more moved by his tears and sincerity. No one ever cried for me before. He later mentioned Christian television and asked if I would maybe just watch. I very arrogantly told him I already was watching. Very soon after this Murph moved to Alabama.

I continued watching these Christian programs for about three months and all I really remember is that they kept talking about Jesus and the wonderful things He has done and continues to do this very day. I wanted so much to have this "faith" that they kept talking a bout. Faith that Jesus could heal my mind.
Every time anyone would say the sinner's prayer I would cry and pray. I just wanted to know this Jesus. I prayed this prayer every day but just felt myself sinking lower and lower.

One night, as I stood in front of the television, I saw a joy and a peace that is beyond description. A joy and a peace I thought I could never have. Satan said to me, "That's not real. I put that on to taunt you, to show you what you could of had but instead you gave your life to me. You're in hell and you're mine forever."

Ice went through my body and tears ran down my face. My thoughts turned to complete hopelessness. I can't get out of here. I have no where to go. I can't die, I can't live, I'm stuck. As I walked to my living room I said to Satan, "I know I'm yours, I know I'm in hell, but I'm not a willing participant anymore!!! I know this is your domain but I will defy you all the way from now on. If you want to cast me out of hell and into an eternal nothingness I will gladly go. I would rather spend eternity in complete nothingness than to spend it with you!"

Then, out of total broken desperation, I stood up in the middle of my living room, looked up and raised my hands to heaven and cried out, "JESUS, get me out of here! I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I've done to make you send me here. I'm so sorry, please forgive me."

"JESUS," I screamed, "they said if I call on You, You would save me. They said that if I confess You as my Lord and Savior that You would come into my life. Jesus, get me out of here! I believe You are the only one that has the power to reach into the depths of hell and save me. I believe that You are the Son of God. I believe You died for me and was raised from the dead. I confess with my mouth that You are the Lord and I believe with my whole heart. Please forgive me. Please save me!"

By this time, I was down on my knees. Suddenly, I stopped crying, got up and sat down in a chair. I noticed something was very different. I wasn't laughing or gushing with joy at that moment but what I noticed is that for the very first time in my life -- the noise in my head stopped. All of the confusion was gone. I heard quiet for the first time. My Lord Jesus restored me to my right mind.

Suddenly, I heard a different voice. One I've never heard before. He said, "He's a liar! Everything he has ever told you is a lie."

I thought about that for a moment and then replied, "Wait a minute, if he is a lie, then I'm not in hell. If he is a lie, then I'm not already dead. If he is a lie, then my life isn't over, it's just beginning."

I stood up, angrier than I've ever been and yelled, "Satan! You're a liar!!! Everything you have taught me is a lie. I gave you my life as a child and it wasn't my life to give you. I'm taking it back. My life belongs to Jesus Christ. I invited you into my life and now I'm kicking you out in the name
of Jesus. You are no longer honored here or welcomed here."

I was in complete and absolute awe. I have never experienced anything like this in my life. I immediately took some vacation time from work. I had no idea of what happened to me -- all I knew was that I wasn't the same. I knew so little about Christianity that it wasn't until about a month later that I realized that I was born-again. [note: so I can't tell you the exact day I got saved, all I can say is that it was 5 years ago at the end of June or very first part of July.] I spent all of my time reading my Bible... the very Bible purchased to use against God was now being used to His glory. Every word was exciting and alive. The Lord ministered to me in such a marvelous way as only He could.

Just a note... everything in the occult can be found in the Bible. Everything from gem stones to consulting psychics to conjuring the dead to sacrifices. Satan had taken all these things and twisted them into perversity. I used the Bible to show people raised with religion that these things were OK because it
was in their Bible.

My daughter watched me very, very carefully. What she discovered was a very real, very new Mom. She watched me grow in Christ. She saw a new strength and life in me. She has a Mom that laughed. She had a Mom that could hug her and love her. She decided that she wanted to follow Jesus too and together we were baptized.

A couple of months later I had an opportunity to talk to Murph. I told him what happened to me and he truly rejoiced with his whole heart. He cried and just kept saying, "Praise the Lord, thank You Jesus." I just want to add here, if the Lord has put a burden in your heart to pray for someone, please, please don't stop. Their very life and eternal life may depend n it. Don't stop praying and please don't give up on this person -- the Lord is faithful. Very soon afterward Murph went home to be with the Lord. I was not sad, but rejoiced, knowing that he was standing face to face with our Lord.

One more thing about my Buddhist altar. I intended to throw it in the trash but the Lord told me to take it back. It had been over 10 years since I had been to that church. When I took it back, I gave it to the man who is the head of the Dallas area. This man just happened to be the very same man that was the head of the church in San Francisco where I attended as a child. This is the very same man that taught me that there is no Jesus Christ. He had just been transferred to the Dallas area.

He kept insisting that someone put me up to this and he must have asked two dozen questions on how this could happen. Was it a boyfriend, husband, friend, relative..... did someone come to my house and give me literature....etc. He asked about my friends and I laughed and told him that every single one of my "friends" abandoned me when I became a Christian. I finally said to him, "You don't understand, Jesus Christ Himself came into my living room, in Grand Prairie, Texas, and touched me."

He then proceeded down the religion path and I told him I didn't know what religion I was. I just kept telling him I was a Christian. He named a dozen or more religions and insisted I must belong to one of them. Frustrated, he asked what kind of Church I go to. My response was, "I go to the kind that love Jesus."

Seeing that he was becoming extremely frustrated with my answers, I said, "I apologize for being so difficult but I really don't understand the question. If I knew what I was I would tell you. I don't know what all those denominations mean." He insisted that if I were a Christian that I must belong to something.

I said, "Well... all I know is He's alive and He came into my living room and saved my life. I have read my Bible and the only 'Church' I found was the Body of Christ. If I must belong to something I guess you could say I'm a member of the Body of Christ."

Right at that moment the Lord said to me, "Not by might, nor by power, not by religion or man were you saved, but by My Spirit you were saved. Let this be your testimony."

And so, this is my testimony that I share with you today. My life has never been the same. I thank the Lord, Jesus, for never forgetting me. I was really a most horrible sinner yet He didn't forget me or leave me behind. In spite of everything I have done, He has forgiven me. I'm still amazed and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't give thanks that He remembered me and saved me.

Jesus is truly the most precious thing I have. Without Him I know that I am dead. It's only because of Him that I have life and really do have it more abundantly.

Delivered from Satanism, Freed from Insanity (John Randall)

My testimony begins about 11 years ago when i came home one morning from working night shift. I was a christian , happily married with 2 lovely children, a boy of 5 and a girl of 4. As i opened the front door to my home i sensed that something was different, out of place. As i walked down the passageway my wife approached me saying that she wanted to leave me and was taking my children with her. I tried to ask her what was happening and why she was doing this, but got no answer. Within a couple of minutes, her brother stopped outside and picked her up and they all walked out of my life. I walked into the house and a numb feeling came over me, then intense anger. I screamed at GOD, asking him why did he let this happen. I got no answer or i was unable to hear GOD speaking. My emotions were in top gear and i opened up a spiritual door which allowed demons to take control of my life. Just to backup a bit..When i was around 15 years old i played the ouija boards with a couple of friends and immediately after that i had a thirst for horror movies. I could not get enough of killing and horror. in my teenage years i remember killing animals just for the fun of seeing them die. I got a rush from this and would also kill small insects and then feed them to ants. Back to the present...i then had an insatible urge to read occultic books and went out and bought whatever i could get hold of. I started to practice astral projection and visualization. this led me into crystals and spiritualist church. I then got involved in satanism and under guidance from demonic spirits, made a huge pentegram on my bedroom wooden floor. I made black candles using my own blood and began to chant and invite every demonic spirit into my body. I did not care what happened to me, i wanted to kill everyone including my wife and children.The more angry i became, the more i wanted to self destruct. After a while the demons required me to offer blood sacrifices to them. I went out and bought razor blades which i used to cut my arms and legs with. I carved a upside down cross on my forehead and drank my own blood mixed with urine and wine. I later met up with another stanist (called pig) and his girlfriend alex (alexandra) and he had a huge upside down cross carved out on his chest. We would jam together and i invited him to my home to do rituals. The demons then told me to recruit covern members and i found a young boy who was the right candidid.one evening we went out looking for cats to sacrifice. This we did by riding around the neighbourhood looking for friendly cats that would let us touch them. We found one cat and took it to a pentecostal church to sacrifice. As i took the cat out of the car,a demon took control of my body and i felt my hands tightening around the cats neck. I then took a knife and mutilated the cats body and we painted satanic slogans in blood on the church walls. Someone had seen us killing the cat, as the next moment we were surrounded by police officers. May i just add this that at that time there was a special anti occult police squad which consisted of police and various clergy. Their job was to investigate all occultic related crimes. I was kept in a police cell overnight and for about a week while i was questioned. I was later released to this squads care and they took me to a house where people were waiting to do deliverance on me. As they began to pray, the demons within me began to thrash me around and i found myself levitating off the floor. About 6 men tried to hold me down, but were unable to control me.i was later taken to another house where they would again try to do deliverance on me. But i managed to break free from them and found myself running towards the city centre.apparently the police were contacted,and were asked to search for me. I was growling like a dog and was foaming at the mouth when they managed to corner me outside a post office. It took 10 police men to hold me down and to handcuff me. I was then taken to the local hospital where i was examined by a doctor and given such a strong sedative, that it would put an elephat down. I remember thrashing around,smashing whatever i could and then nothing. When i came around the next day, i was strapped to a bed in a special psychiatric ward. There i was given daily injections and medication and i later learned that the doctor had told one of the police officers, that there was no hope for me and that i would be a vegetable for the rest of my life. Satan began to destroy my mind. A few months later i was taken to court for damage to property etc and the judge ordered me to be sent for 30 days observation at a mental institute to see if i was fit to stand trial. The psychiatrists there found me to be unfit to stand trial and altough the case against me was dropped, i was sent to another mental institute as a state presidents patient.this meant that i was to stay there for life.there was no way i would ever be let free. I was a danger and menace to society. I was taken (sedated) to the mental institution and admitted into their care. I was continually given daily injections and medicaions.about 3 months later i was lying on my bed looking up at the ceiling when i felt a tingling sensation over both my feet. As i lay there, it moved slowly up my legs. i realized something was happening to me and made an effort to turn to another patient next to me to tell him what was happening. But i was unable to move. my body was locked fast. The sensation was now around my chest.i then tried to call out to the other patient, but could not utter a word. My tongue was also locked fast.the sensation moved over my head and i found myself at the beginning of a long dark tunnel.there was no other way to go but through the tunnel. i cannot explain it, but there was no other road. As i entered the tunnel, i saw the figure of someone standing on the other side of the tunnel. as i got closer the figure turned to face me, and i realized it was satan. He said that he had come to take my sould into hell with him. He had huge chains in his hands. i remember screaming and then turning to run away from him back down the tunnel. He bellowed with laughter and suddenly i found myself back in my body on the bed. I was drenched in sweat. I called the nurses for help and was told that i had been hallucinating, but i know as sure as i know there is a sun out there that something had happened to me. Realization slowly crept in that ALMIGHTY GOD had given me another chance. The LORD then sent christian social workers across my path and then HE worked another miracle.Within 4 months, i was released out of that institute into the care of local church people and pastors in my home town. They ministered to me daily and i went through numerous deliverance services i destroyed all my occultic books,jewelry etc etc. i confessed all my sins to ALMIGHTY GOD and asked him to come into my heart and to take control of my life. I immediately felt a peace that passes all understanding. the church people even allowed me to stay many a night at their homes until the early hours in the morning when i as tormented continually by demons who were trying to kill me. I was invited to give my testimony in a methodist church and it was there that i met my furture wife. Satan has tried to kill us many a time by causing our car to stall on railway lines with a train coming and by bursting out car tyres while travelling at high speed. but JESUS has had his hand on our lives. I am now about to study to be a pastor and will be serving the lord the rest of my days. I am living testimony as to what GOD has done for me. AND WHAT HE HAS DONE FOR ME, HE WILL ALSO DO FOR YOU.