A REVELATION OF TRUTH (Sophie Sartoris)

About twenty five years ago, I receive this revelation on the name of Jesus and who really Jesus is. The Lord has led me to share this precious truth with others through this tract.

I met Jesus through Katrhryn Kulman's ministry. Two years later, I joined the assembly of God Church where I had receive the baptism in the Holy Ghost.

Later, I and my family were affiliated with a nondenominational church. While in this church we began attending Fellowships, which were held once a month in different churches. In one of the Fellowships, we heard a woman preacher who testified under a great anointing. We were impressed with her message as well as her freedom in the Lord. We were determined that we would visit her church again for we needed a release in our spirit. The third time we felt we should ask another sister to go with us. She was also bound in the spirit . as we were leaving the church, I asked her how she enjoyed the service. She said: I enjoyed it very much but my mother said to stay away from the Jesus Only people." We (the four of us) seemed to say in unison: "Who are they? What do they believe?" She answered, "They baptized in the name of Jesus Only and not in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost." We were shocked at this statement, for, you see, we had no knowledge of any such group. We thought that all Pentecostals believe alike.

As we traveled home, we discussed this difference of baptism to great lengths. Suddenly, I found myself saying "As my son's name is Sartoris so is his father's." I then said, "Something deep down inside tells me that Jesus is the name of the FAMILY IN HEAVEN!"

On the next day, the first thing I did was to take the Bible in hand and I prayerfully sought the Lord saying, "Lord, you know that I want the truth and nothing but the truth; please show me if what I felt in the car was the truth or not!" As I opened the Bible, my eyes fell upon these verse in Ephesians 3:14-15 - "For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ of whom the whole FAMILY IN HEAVEN and earth is named." I was both amazed and thrilled to find that these verses contained what I felt was true - that Jesus was the name of the whole "FAMILY IN HEAVEN" as well as in earth.

With the confirmation of truth, I felt the need to search further into the matter. (If you are interested in knowing more of the name, I have a tract made "hat is His Name, What is His Son's Name?" which I'll send to you free.) I found scripture after scripture where the Son claims the name of JESUS to be His Father's name as well as His own. He said that He manifested the Father's name, John 17:26. Then this same Jesus goes on to claim the name to be His own in Matthew 18:20; Mark 16:17; John 14:13; Acts 15:17. Mark 6:14 informs the reader that the Son's name was SPREAD ABROAD. Yes, the very name that Jesus (the Son) declared to be His Father's was the very name that He (Jesus the Son) and His disciple SPREAD ABROAD.

In Malachi 1:11, God said that His name would be great among the heathen and the Gentiles. Tell me what name is great today in all the world? What name was great at the time of Christ? What name was great at the time of the Apostles? NONE OTHER NAME THAN JESUS!

After all the searching, I was convince that Jesus was the name of the FAMILY IN HEAVEN as well as on the EARTH; that Jesus was the name of BOTH the Father and Son. I began to proclaim this truth whenever I went. What happened? Well, you guessed it, I was rejected and called a "Jesus Only" person. At that time, I knew very little about the Jesus "Jesus Only" movement. I continued to visit the place that I used to frequent. I felt no ill toward these people.

One evening I and my family decided to visit a Full Gospel where a visiting Evangelist was to speak. It was very obvious that these people had heard nothing about us as yet. We were receive very graciously with a very warm handshake. The next night it was not so. A little bird must have gotten to them and the handshake was a very weak one; the looks on their faces were anything but loving. I turned to my husband and said, "Honey there's something wrong here." He said, "Yes, I know." We felt so unwanted, it hurt. I sat there praying to God about it. While the Evangelist was dismissing with prayer, his prayer turned into a prophetic utterance saying, "COME UNTO ME IN THE NAME OF JESUS; COME UNTO ME IN THE NAME OF JESUS: THE NAME OF THE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST!" Can you imagine the joy when I heard that which had been reveled to me, confirmed through prophecy! It may not have been heard by anyone except that "whole row f 'Jesus Only' people." However, the prophecy was clear, Jesus was the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Well, it didn't end there. The next day I receive a call from a friend who had forsaken me because of this doctrine. She had something she wanted to tell me. She said that a friend of hers had called and told her that there was a "whole row of 'Jesus Only' people in church last night and boy were we afraid!" I said, "Yes, that was me and my family." I proceeded to tell her of the prophecy given by the visiting Evangelist who confirmed my convictions. When I told my husband about the call, he decided that we should go and visit her. We went the very next day and took her through the Bible pointing out to her scripture after scripture pertaining to the name of Jesus. She became quite upset. She then began to speak in tongues, which she herself interpreted saying, "THE NAME OF THE FATHER, SON AND HOLY GHOST IS JESUS!" Once again the Lord was there to confirm this wonderful truth through one who was not a symphatizer of this truth. We left the house saying nothing but "Praise the Lord!" we were sure that she heard that which came forth from her very own mouth. She called about two weeks later and I said, "(Calling her name), if you had prophecied anything else I would have called you a false prophet." She held her peace.

Sometime later, I was teaching an adult class in a small church. This was a church that believe in baptism in the name of Jesus Christ. However, there was a dear old brother in a class, who at the conclusion of the lesson said to me, "How can the Father be the Son and the Son the Father?" I was taken aback for I never once intimated that the Son was the Father or the Father the Son. I knew very little of the Godhead at that time. Therefore, I wasn't able to answer the brother's question. Class was dismissed and we took our seats in church. As I sat there thinking about what the brother had said, I prayerfully look up and in my heart I said, "Lord, you could be the Father and you could be the Son, there is nothing impossible with you." I forgot all about what I had said that morning in church.

Monday morning, I began to ask the Lord for a lesson for next Sunday morning. I prayerfully opened my bible saying, "Lord give me something for Sunday School; something that the people will like; don't give me anything that will be controversial." As I opened the Bible, my eyes fell upon Revelation 22:16 - I Jesus... IAM the ROOT and OFFSPRING of David..." I immediately saw the answer to the old brother's question - "How can the Father be the Son and the Son the Father?" In thee verse, Jesus was telling me that He was BOTH Father and Son of David! Can a ROOT of a tree say that it is the BRANCH? Can the hand say that it is the foot? NO, of course not! But our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ said just that, when He said that He was the ROOT and OFFSPRING of David! If Jesus can say that He is the Father as well as the Son, who are we to deny it? In Revelation 22:16 when Jesus is saying, "I AM the Root and Offspring of David," He is without a doubt saying:

  I AM the Creator; I AM the Creation.

  I AM the Father; I AM the Son.

  I AM the Builder; I AM the building (man). 

  I AM the Light; I AM a light (man).

  I AM the Rock; I AM the Stone (man).

  I AM the Greater; I AM the lesser (man).

  I AM the Shepherd; I AM the Lamb.

  I AM the Sanctifier; I AM the Sanctified (man). 

  I AM the Sacrificer; I AM the Sacrificed (man).

  I AM the Invisible; I AM the Visible (man). 

If I was persecuted because I believe that the one should be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ and that Jesus was the name of both Father and Son, how much more would be my persecution since I now believed that the Father is the Son of David - of mankind! My persecution was and is great because of this revelation. However, I will continue to proclaim this wonderful truth.

One day a sister called me from another town and told me that an old acquaintance, an Evangelist, asked about us and wanted to talk with me. We agreed to meet with him in the sister's home. He wanted to hear about the revelation which I had receive. After I had finished telling him all that the Lord had made known to me, he said to me, "Sister, I believe that you have got a revelation but you are going to cause a revolution." I said, "Brother, Paul was the greatest revolutionist that ever was." The same Paul saw the need of giving ALL that God had counseled him, Acts 20:26-27.

On another occasion, I asked a minister if I could teach this truth in his assembly. I explained to him that I believe that Jesus is my Father. He said, "I do too! But you're going to get your head chopped off! I said, "John the forerunner of Jesus, got his head chopped off for less than that."

As I was giving this truth to a couple of sisters in my home, the one sister became upset; the other said, "We ought not to speak on these things any longer for it will cause bitterness to creep within our hearts." Would you believe it; I was ready to give up? I thought "What's the use?" But the next morning I cried before the Lord and said, "Lord they are telling me no to SPEAK; what shall I do shall I SPEAK or keep my MOUTH SHUT?" I took the Bible and opened it at random to Acts 18 and my eyes fell on verse 9 and 10 - "Be not afraid but SPEAK for I am with thee and no man shall set on thee to hurt thee: for I have much people in this city."

My friend, how can I fall to proclaim this truth. I now am 65 years old. I may never see a revival of this truth, however, I do believe that this truth will one day sweep the earth.

Sophie Sarotoris

34 East 4th Ave., Latrobe, Pa.

e-mail address: soph@westol.com

Out of Agnosticism (Terry Blake)

My original condition:
Agnosticism: The claim (denied by Romans 1:18-20) that one has no knowledge of God or the origin of the universe. Some agnostics make the claim on a personal level, while allowing that such knowledge may exist but has never been known by themselves. Others assert that such knowledge cannot be had by anyone. Agnostics avoid the charge of dogmatic atheism by acknowledging the theoretical possibility of God's existence. Yet virtually all live as if the non-existence of God was an established fact, and are thus practical atheists.
What happened to me:
This is a list of events beginning on or about January 10, 1985
(1st Day) For some unexplained reason, at least at the time, I began watching TBN. I thought it was all a bit strange at first. Then I found my self CRYING ( for no reason) and unable to change the TV channel. I went to bed that night in amazement of what was happening to me for no apparent reason. (2nd Day) The next day when I turned on the TV, it was still on TBN. Again, I JUST HAD TO WATCH IT, I didn't know why, I just had to watch.
Then, between the main programs, TBN was showing a series of short films about Jesus and his life. As I watched one that showed Jesus dying on the cross, my room was filled with a POWER I had never seen or sensed before in my life. I found my self getting out of my chair and falling to my knees, with my head bowed, and still crying, SAYING OUT LOUD!
====================================================
FORGIVE ME LORD!
I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE REAL AND ALIVE TODAY!
====================================================
This visitation from Yahshua was the last thing I would have ever imagined!
Romans 14:10-12 ..... For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. For it is written: "As I live, says the Lord, Every knee shall bow to Me, And every tongue shall confess to God." So then each of us shall give account of himself to God.
I now believed in Him "Yahshua"!!
Jesus "Yahshua" didn't stay long on that first of many visits, but it's the one I remember best!
This is the miracle He performed during His first visit:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(3rd Day) I awoke the next day, knowing I had been radically changed .
Jesus had Immediately delivered me from: (He had taken my "Want-to" away)
1) Smoking ( 3 packs a day habit)
2) Alcoholism ( 4 or 5 drinks every night "Rum & Coke")
3) Prescription Medication ( Ativan , 3 times a day habit)
All, without any withdraw symptoms of any kind
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
He also delivered me from fornication. (1 Corinthians 6:12-20) I just didn't know it yet.
I was a " practical atheist" and totally Un-Churched, the groups I associated with did not use the word. These Methodist that the Lord had sent me to just kept bringing it up and saying it was a bad thing. For a long time I just ignored the fact that I really did not know what they were talking about exactly. So, one day I decided to look up the definition. To my utter astonishment it applied to me!! It was one of those rarer lean times in my love life, so I wasn't currently involved with anyone, but fornication definitely applied to my regular un-saved and sinful behavior.
***( Consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other )***
This path of delivery took a bit longer and was more difficult for me to embrace. This ordeal alone would no doubt require at least another entire page to describe it completely. Lets just say. I did finally get delivered and have been celibate now for almost 20 years. When GOD wants to do something, it will get done. Evan if my initial cooperation was minimal on this issue, He has ways not available to men to cause one to be more willing when necessary. ( I personally do NOT recommend one should resist the LORD in any way. It's just not a good Idea.) Thank you LORD, "Yahshua the Messiah" for my salvation and delivery from my sinful and dangerous activity's!!!
Sure, I knew Jesus was a Biblical character, but I had no idea He was REAL and ALIVE today.
People were often telling me I should go to church and STOP doing this and START doing that. Each church had a different set of DO'S and DON'TS and no one ever actually told me. JESUS WAS REAL! HE LIVES TODAY! And I needed to meet this man from the Bible. (Yahshua the Messiah)
(Because of the world we currently live in, I have to be VERY CLEAR as to what happened to me on this day, the most important day of my life)
WHAT I KNOW TO BE TRUE:
There is only one true God eternally revealed in three distinct Persons -- the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Human beings are sinners who (without the grace of God received through faith in Christ) are eternally lost. Jesus, who is God in the flesh, (Col.2:9 "For in him dwells (lives) the fullness of the Godhead (deity) bodily" (bodily form). All that makes God who He is, is to be found in Jesus.) born of a virgin, died on the cross and rose physically from the dead as the sole and sufficient payment for the sins of humanity.
John 17:3 And this is eternal life, that they may know You (Yahweh), the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You (Yahweh) have sent.
The Father is "YHWH", "Yahweh" the "MOST HIGH GOD", Yah is my GOD!
Jesus is the "Son of GOD", "Yahshua the Messiah", Yahshua is my LORD!
1 Jn.4:15: "Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the SON OF GOD, God abideth in him, and he in God. ."
WHAT I KNOW TO BE FALSE:
Polytheism: The belief in the existence of a plurality of gods, in contrast to monotheism (one God) or atheism (no God or gods). Examples include Greek, Roman and Norse mythology; ancient Egyptian, Babylonian, and Assyrian religions; and some forms of neo-paganism, Wicca, and New Age belief. Some forms of Hinduism combine polytheism with pantheism (all is God). The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches a form of Christianized polytheism, since it holds that the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are three Gods and that human beings can become exalted to Godhood.
Now that I have made my beliefs clear, I can continue!
That first year was one of much prayer while trying to figure out what had just happened to me. The Lord first sent me to a Methodist church just down the road from where I lived. There I led a small Bible teaching class. My spiritual life was beginning to take shape, in this rather quiet church, which had mostly older folks attending. They baptized me by "SPRINKLING" me with water, which the "Pentecostal movement " later thought was insufficient, so they rebaptized me in a river while on a boat trip.
Lots of things were happening to me during this first year of being a Christian. The one I remember the best is this one:
Yahshua introduced His Father to me!
Mt 11:27 All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to whom the Son wills to reveal Him.
John 17:3 And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
The ordinary usage of the word POWER, does not even begin to describe what I encountered on this occasion. It was as though all the POWER in the entire universe was far to close to me for comfort. This POWER had set ablaze every Star in the sky above and was holding every galaxy with its millions of stars and every planet in its place. Even this description is lacking.
This FRIGHTENED me so bad I told both of them to leave.
(Immediately, I REGRETTED DOING THAT!!)
They BOTH stayed away for a week or so.
Ecclesiastes 8:12 Though a sinner does evil a hundred times, and his days are prolonged, yet I surely know that it will be well with those who fear God, who fear before Him.
Then Jesus "Yahshua" showed up again while I was praying and He tried to introduce me to His Father a 2nd time. This time I behaved my self, and I welcomed His Father, as my Father, by calling Him "Abba, Father"! It was actually hard to say it the first time. It seemed so out of character for me to speak this way. From that day forward, I call no one on this earth father! My earthly parent is always referred to as Dad!! I felt as though Yahshua had given me to His Father and my guardianship was now in His hands. Something not to BE taken lightly!
Romans 8: 14 - 16 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father." The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God
John 4:22-24 Ye worship that which ye know not: we worship that which we know; for salvation is from the Jews. But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and truth: for such doth the Father seek to be his worshippers. God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship in spirit and truth.
One final note before I go:
1 Jn.4:15: "Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the SON OF GOD, God abideth in him, and he in God.
Notice it states that if we confess this, God indwells us, yet we are to believe from those who deny the deity of Christ that God does not dwell in his Son. In addition to this, Yahshua (Jesus) has never usurped His Fathers authority and position as the "Most High God" in that Yahshua Himself refers to His Father "Yahweh" (even still today) as His GOD! He (Yahshua) has set the example as to who we as "children of God" should be calling GOD! If Yahshua can do this with all of His POWER and AUTHORITY then I as having received the " Spirit of adoption" should be able to show the same respect to His Father as He (Yahshua) does, by calling His Father (Yahweh) the " one true God". Jesus (Yahshua) didn't even want people to call Him GOOD. He said only His Father was GOOD. Even though I have said all of this, I can certainly understand why people insist on calling Jesus (Yahshua) God. Even though the scripture would suggest we not do it, to preserve the ultimate and final authority His Father (Yahweh) now has and will have for ever. Amen
As you read and believe the truth in this Testimony, I pray, Yahshua, will have mercy on You, as He had on me!
Terry Blake
Some have suggested I include with this testimony the things that took place after this would be helpful in determining the truth of it all. So, here are some of the effects this encounter had on my life.
Psalm 66:16 Come and hear, all you who fear God, And I will declare what He has done for my soul.
(1st year stuff) I began reading the Bible for the fist time in my life. Since I had just met Jesus, I wanted to know what He actually did say. Not some religious interruption that tried to tell me what they though the text said to support their specific brand of Christianity. So, I began reading just the RED text in the Bible on my own, knowing the Holy Spirit would lead me into knowing the real truth contained in this book we call the Bible. In other words, I TRUSTED HIM!!
I went through a number of Bibles, because when I got to some passage the Holy Spirit wanted me to take note of, I would begin to cry. The tears would flow, and the pages of the Bible I was currently reading would get all wrinkly. This also caused me to HIGHLIGHT the specific text with a colored highlighting pen. After a year or so I would have so much highlighted that I would decide to start over again with a new Bible. I finally settled on the NEW King James version and a highlighter that does not bleed through to the other side of the page or smear when tears get on it.
I have now read the Bible 3 times through from cover to cover. My favorite is Revelation. I think at last count I have read that book as least 12 or 13 times in its entirety. The Bible is truly an amazing book. Every time I read the Bible something NEW seems to just jump out at me and I can say: "Gee I didn't know that was in there." My question was always the same. "How come no one is preaching on this?" The answer was always the same "It would diminish the money given in the offering plate and those who run the churches would rather take in the maximum amount money instead of telling the full truth to those attending."
During the 2nd year of my salvation the Lord called me to pray 1 hour per day. If I awoke before 3am I would start with "Thank you for today Lord" if after 3am I would begin with "Thank you for a NEW day Lord". Either way I would look at my watch and note the time. If it was 4:44am then I would sit and pray till 5:44am. After the 1st 45 minutes or so I would run out of things to ask for and complain about. This left me with at least 15 minutes of pure LISTENING TIME. It's amazing what you can hear from the Lord if you really commit to listening. It was really a great training experience to do this for ONE YEAR!! Now my prayer life seems as normal as breathing.
The 3rd year, I fasted for one day every week for ONE YEAR (Saturday was the chosen day). This was really amazing to me. Fasting seemed to clean out my ears somehow. My Father and Yahshua were both easier to hear and be with when I had my flesh under at least some control. I now practice several kinds of fasting in my life on a regular basis. This allows me to have a wonderful daily on going relationship with my Father and "Yahshua the Messiah" without interruptions. Thank you LORD for finding me when I least expected it.
There is more to say! I must quit somewhere.
I leave you to consider this final thought:
TRUST HIM!! HE WILL REWARD YOU FOR DOING SO!!
A NOTE to those that may still wonder what actually happened to ME ALMOST 20 YEARS AGO:
I now believe my 1st meeting with Jesus "Yahshua the Messiah" was a "SMALL SCALE" example of an event that will soon happen to every person on this earth. Some destined for HELL and some destined for HEAVEN!
Matthew 24:30 And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power <1411> and great glory.
DUNAMIS: (Strong's numbering 1411) " Demonstrative Power"From which we get our word for dynamite. It speaks of actual power as in a wrestling match. It is physical or real strength, not figurative strength. It stands for his mighty works, as opposed to his mighty words. It is also this power that is referred to when miracles, signs and wonders are mentioned. It speaks of one's ability over the opponent's strivings. It is explosive power. It is to that power our Lord refers when speaking of His coming in great power <1411> and glory.

Freedom from Bondage

Personal note: Do you ever hate your life? I do, and I hate it for more than 3/4 of my life…and it was only until I was born again that I began to appreciate my life. The joy of God’s love replaces my empty feeling with a sense of purpose. Isn’t it great that God is a God of love? Can you imagine the alternative? Isn’t God great? Of course he is! My praise to God!
"God, how can you allow such horrible things to happen to me? All I wanted... all I wanted was to find you. What did I do wrong?
How could you repay my desperate search for you with seven months of living in darkness!" I cried one day most self-righteously when I first discovered that the spirit who spoke to me for the past seven months was but an evil spirit disguised as God to deceive and lead me astray. He was not God at all.
I was born as Singaporean Chinese in the Year 1983, into a Taoist family. I was automatically made me a Taoist by birth. I was a big troublemaker since I was a baby, crying endlessly, and refusing to allow anyone to carry me except those people whose faces I recognize. As such, my grandmother suggested bringing me to a fortune- teller to see my fortune, and my mother agreed, worried for my future. The fortuneteller told my mother that I was an unlucky sort of baby, and most probably would not live past the age of 21 years old, unless I do not celebrate my birthdays for seven years. My mother followed what he said, and thus I never celebrated my birthday for the seven years of my life. Feeling still very unsafe over my future, my mother brought me to a Taoist temple and dedicated me as the adopted daughter of the Goddess of Mercy, one of the Chinese god in the Taoist religion. All these of course were kept as a secret from me for a long period of time. I do not know why, but from as young as the age of eleven years old, I was a very negative child, who do not desire to live long. I always have this belief that I will die before the age of 21. Since I believe I will die young, I dedicate my young life into indulging in pleasures. Why not enjoy myself in this life, since I might die just any time in my life, thought the young me, and so that was how I lived my life when I was a child. My first suicide attempt was at the age of 11. After being unjustly slapped by my father, I intended to kill myself to make him regret for life. My mother foiled the attempt. Being a shy and reserve girl in school, I do not have any friend and thus, was a lonely and sad girl who always wishes that someday I might just cease to exist.
I was also quite against Christianity, always siding with my Buddhist uncle to counter-attack all attempts by my Christian aunt, one of the only two Christians in my entire family, to share about Jesus. My knowledge of Jesus was very limited. I only knew him to be the weird guy that hanged on the cross, and my young perception of the church was very terrible. Whenever my dad drove me home, and we passed by a church, I would shudder just to see the cross on top of the church. To me, who then, had no idea what Christianity is, a church is a place that breeds Draculas. After all, my only contact with a church was the many Draculas' shows I watch as a child. Therefore, the church to me was a terrible place where horrible monsters such as Draculas roam about in freedom. So, when my aunt brought me to her church to watch her Christian concert one-day, I was very reluctant. I was thinking about Draculas. Yet, I found no Draculas in the church. Eventually, I assured my young heart that Draculas appear only in shows, not in real life. We seat ourselves at the many benches in the Church, and the show began. It was a touching story about a virgin giving birth to a baby. During the whole performance, my eyes were glued to the actors and actress in the shows, and a feeling of peace entered into my little heart, a feeling I will never forget for the rest of my life. For a moment, I lost track of my fear; Draculas simply vanished from my mind as I watched the birth of this little baby. I was somehow touched in my heart by the show. After the show, I asked my mother many questions about Jesus, which she just answered briefly, being a non-Christian herself. That was my earliest and only true contact with Jesus during the period when I was a child, and it is important because it makes Church less frightening to me, and also destroys much of my hostile feeling towards Christianity.
As I proceed to become a teenager, my negative feeling about living in this world intensified. I desire... to die. To vanish from this world. To cease to exist. I completely lose faith in humanity by the hypocrisy of everyone I see around me. I was very rebellious. I was always shouting and yelling with my parents, both of whom I thought do not love me. I hate the world I live in. I hate myself. I hate school. I hate everything around me, including everybody. My teachers hate me, too and always drove me to tears by their speech. My classmates reject me. In school, it was hell. I dread school. But home...was it any better? Absolutely no! I faced a mum that told me everyday how disappointed she was with a daughter that was always doing badly in her school examinations. I faced a father that I never spoke to, since I first began Secondary School (High school). I faced a sister that despised and looked down on me. Everywhere... it was the same, it was hell to me, and I wanted to die. My world is a miserable world, where I am all alone, the target of everyone's hate.
I was disgusted with myself, and also with the whole of mankind after reading about wars and atrocities, as well as witness with my own eyes the hypocrisy of my teachers and classmates in school. At this point in time, I had already long lost faith in my Taoist god, and was believing in an unknown God, whom I believe was the one true God, but whom I do not know come from which religion. There were so many religions in this world, and how can I know for sure where he comes from? The truth is, I do not know, and I was lost and confused. Somehow, I started to mess with the occults, surf satanic websites, consult guardian angels and prayed to the devil once in a while for favor. I started to indulge in seeking pleasure through Japanese anime, comic books and collecting cards. While my pleasures were highly intensified, my emptiness... grows. Empty! Empty! Empty!
I feel so empty! Why... why... why do I feel so empty? God, where are you? Who are you? Where do you come from? Why am I so empty? God, can you tell me? Can... you tell me? Will someone tell me WHY I am feeling so damn empty!
Silence screams roamed and traveled in my heart, but no one could give me an answer, no one wants to give me an answer. My feeling of emptiness... a lack of meaning to my life... strengthens my desire to die. I... want to die! Somehow, I do not know why, but somehow, at this empty period of my life, my attachment to the Christian God grows. Somehow, he seems to be very similar to the unknown God I pray to. But I cannot be a Christian. My mum won't allow me, and so I never became a Christian through the whole period of my Secondary years, even though that desire was strong. In the Year 2000, I went to a junior college, and it was there that I met this girl Jia Yan who was thinking about becoming a Christian. Feeling positive about Christianity, I highly encouraged her to be one. She was convinced and not later, she was converted, and she told me about her wonderful conversion. I was jealous of her, thinking why she could be a Christian while I was searching harder for God than her. (I was a very self-righteous person in the past.) Jia Yan brought Jie Yin, the one who converted her to my school. Jie Yin started to talk to me about Jesus. I was very interested by what she said except when she told me that now Jia Yan believe in Christ, Jia Yan was spiritually higher than me, something I strongly disagree. However, when Jie Yin wanted to lead me to Christ, I agree and she led me through the sinner's prayer. And I prayed to God as she led me. I successfully prayed through the sinner's prayer.
For some, their success stories or testimonies joyfully end here. Mine do not. For the first few months, I was happy as a Christian, desiring truly nothing in the world, but after a while, I was back to my own self, again. I went back to consulting guardian angels, began to surf Satanic websites on how to conjure spells etc, and continue to satisfy my pleasures by reading about the occults.
Eventually, my empty feeling came back once again, swallowing away every joy I might derive from my pleasures. I pursue and pursue pleasures, one of which is the writing of stories. Such pleasures bring me away from the real world into a world of fantasy, where I interact with make-believe characters who satisfy the lonely feeling in my heart, and they give me so much pleasures that I temporarily lost tract of the deep empty feeling in my heart. But like I said, such pleasures were temporal, and whether I like it or not, I was soon brought back to reality.... the reality that I still does not understand what is lacking in my life.
Why? Why so empty? Why? God, I believe you, didn't I? Why do I still feel so empty? Why the desire to die? God was silent. He did not answer me. Meanwhile, Jia Yan, who believed in Jesus only a week earlier than me was thriving and growing. She seems to be growing in her joy, and success over her studies became very evident to everyone in her class. Jealousy struck my heart at the apparent change in Jia Yan's behavior that was lacking in me. Didn't we become Christian at around the same period of time? Why is she growing while I... am still struggling with this deep sense of emptiness in my life? Desperate, I decided to seek God once more, but not in the way the Church teaches us.
One day, I came across a new age book called, \"Conversation with God\" by Mr. Walsh, but I did not knew it was a new age book. I thought it was a Christian book. Mr. Walsh claimed that while writing some questions down on a piece of paper, \"God\" answered him and he was inspired to write down the replies \"God\" gave him. That was how he communicated with \"God\". I decided to try it out.
I started to write a letter that goes something similar to this. “God, I read a book written by Walsh on communicating with God, and if it is true, can you answer me. God, are you there?” I prayed very sincerely. No response. I waited a while, and the pen started to move. I wrote the word, “Yes”. And thus, I started to have a conversation with “God”. From communication through pen, this \"God\" started to communicate with me eventually through my thoughts. He was able to speak to me, by conveying his voices through my thoughts, and I in turn reply to him back either through my lips or my thoughts. I was completely deceived that he was God, and started to listen to him in everything he tells me. He kept telling me how much he loves me, and I was deceived soon into loving him back. He told me many truths, which made me even more convinced that he is God, and then he started to lie to me. But I believe in all of his lies.
I believe in him for about seven months. Throughout this period, however, a feeling of uneasiness often came to me. I often doubted that the one I spoke to was God. But I dismissed the thought. More feeling of uneasiness came. I started to have nightmares. In my dream, I was always with Satan, and Satan was always portrayed as my best friend who kept oppressing me, but who lived in the same house as me, and refused to live. I started to feel uneasy. Why do I keep dreaming about Satan as living in my house, oppressing me? I became desperate, wanting some Christians to prove to me that the \"God\" who spoke to me everyday, every free moments of my life was not the devil, but truly God. So I went to a Christian message forum and get people to pray to me. A miracle happened in that Christian forum. One of the posters was posting a post about evil spirit deceiving me as God and confusing my life, but God will free me through all this. Her message, unfortunately vanish completely. While she was deciding whether or not to post the message again, the Holy Spirit told her to wait and see. Surprisingly, the next day, when she went on the forum, her message was there, but it was not posted by her, but by two other Christian posters in that forum. The combination message of these two Christian posters was the exact form of the message she posted earlier which vanished, word for word.
I learnt of this miracle, and after a serious day of reflection, became convinced that the message was from the true God, despite what \"God\" tell me. I immediately renounce \"God\" in the name of Jesus Christ. Yet, at the same time, the self-righteous me, instead of thanking God for my release from deception blamed God for not stopping the deception in its earlier state. I could not understand why my sincere search for God resulted in the devil coming in disguise as God. I lost all hope, and felt that all was lost. I felt too ashamed to face God. I was also very angry that God did nothing to stop me on my very first day of deception. That day, I was greatly humiliated. I had always thought I was a very wise person, and yet in my wisdom, I believe the most ridiculous of the devil's lies. I had always thought that I was the most God-seeking person in the world, and one of the most righteous person ever lived, but this incident, clearly a great sin in the eyes of God made me realized that like others, I too, sin against God. For the first time in my life, I realized I do not deserved to be saved. What will had happened to me if God had not saved me, if God had not use the miracle to tell me that it was the devil speaking to me? So much for me seeking God. So much for my wisdom. I felt... that day like the most foolish person in the whole wide world.
So, not long later I rededicated my life to Jesus once again, telling God how sorry I was to believe the devil was God, asking God to forgive me once more, and this time, I sincerely accepted Jesus as my lord and savior. I asked God to make me into the Christian he wants me to be, and free me from all demonic deception in the future. My moment of victory came... at this moment, and I could have stopped here, but I do not want to. I want to share with you the many rich blessings God had brought into my life. After I rededicate my life to God, my struggle did not stop here. The devil continued to try to talk to me, to pretend that he really was God. However, I was not fooled. I kept rebuking him in the name of Jesus Christ. When the devil knew that I could no longer be fooled, he revealed his true color. He told me all sort of horrible things about God and myself. It was hard ignoring what the devil said but I kept rejecting him in the name of Jesus. Soon, he gave out his control of me. And I was thus, set free from his deception. Praise is to God! God is great!
Also, with my current new trust in God, I felt that I was more and more attracted by the love of God. This spurs up in me a new love for God, a love that I had never felt before for the one who made me. Suddenly, God became more real to me. He became closer to me, and this was not something I had experienced before. This made my heart grateful for what he had done for me, and you know what I did?
Well, I simply said this, “ My dearest Father, I had never really thank you for creating me, since I was a not sincere Christian. I had never even really know you. Yet, after all that I had done, forsaking you for the occults, and eventually worshipping the devil, thinking he was God, I thought you would never forgive me ever again for my sin. Yet, if this were so, why would you free me in the first place from my deception? Father, I had been proud. I had thought I was wise. Yet, this incident proved me wrong. I realized that wisdom came from God, and so is my salvation. Father, you are truly magnanimous to forgive me, after I had so sinned against you. I realized my mistake. I realized my sin. In my pride, God, I had thought I was holy when I was not. It was not you that neglect me, but it was I, in my pride, to be someone special, who had missed you, who had turned my back against you. You were always near me, but I do not know. The more I search after I was first converted, the more I drift away from you. Yet, you, in your mercy, brought me near to you, again. Father, I am sorry for all the things that I did. And most importantly, I had never thank you for creating me. My life was so miserable, so full of a deep sense of emptiness that I hate you for creating me. Father, sorry. Forgive me for wanting to cease forever. God, thank you. Thank you for all that you had done for me. Thank you for creating me. I love you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.”
Yes, I thank God. I thank God for my life. I thank God for creating me. And you know what? The funny thing is, I no longer feel so empty. I no longer feel that life was meaningless. The deep-rooted hatred that I bear for myself and for the whole world was no longer there. I am grateful. My heart was grateful. And why was I so grateful? Because God changed me! He changed a very important part of me that must not be overlook and that is this--- my attitude towards others and towards myself. Sure, this is a fallen world. Sure, there are hypocrites. But you know what? God loves the hypocrites! It is because of his love for the hypocrites that he dies on the cross for them! Can I blame the hypocrites? Can I hate them? No! How can I hate someone God dies for? God dies for them as much as he dies for me. After my deception, I realized that I am a sinner just as much as the hypocrites and despite that God loves me! What joy! What great news!
How can I hate my life? How can I hate living when I know that there is someone out there that dies for me even while I was a sinner? I cannot. And so, the feeling of emptiness was gone. It was gone because the joy of seeing God’s love in my life swallow away the emptiness of my heart. I finally understood why Jia Yan could have more joy than I could, even though we were both converted at the same time. It was because of this---she was born again, but I was not at the time of our conversion. God is real to her, but for me at that time, God is but a religion. It is no wonder I cannot lead a victorious life in Christ. Spiritually arrogant, and far from humble, even though I said the sinner’ s prayer in the past, my heart was not right before God. I entertained pride. This demonic deception however destroyed my pride. In my desperation, I was humble, and with humbleness, I said again the sinner’s prayer, rededicating my life to Jesus. And this time, it was different from the past because this time, I was truly born again! Praise is to God!

Name: Chong Shipei (Jasmine) E-mail: rpggal33@hotmail.com Home Address: 50 Lorong 40, Geylang, #06-38, The Sunny Spring, S (398074), Singapore.

THE WAY OUT OF HOMOSEXUALITY (John Paulk and Anne Paulk)

Homosexuality is overcome by building a relationship with Jesus Christ and letting him heal the underlying root issues. Our deliverance comes from a person, rather than from a method. Therefore, it is important that we build a relationship with God, our Deliverer. We must know him better than we know those around us. And in fact, for true deliverance, Christ must become the most important person in our lives. How can we come to know Jesus Christ?

Agreement with God. To begin with, if you are seeking the truth, you have already been touched by the Holy Spirit. One of the purposes of the Holy Spirit is to bring conviction of sin.

The first message Christ gave was one of repentance. Through the Holy Spirit, we have been given an awareness that homosexuality is not pleasing to God (Leviticus 18:22; Romans 1:26; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11). So the first step is to agree with God that homosexual activities are sin.

Receiving Jesus Christ. John 1:12 gives us the next step: "To all who received him [Jesus Christ], to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God." In order for Jesus to work in our lives, we must not only agree with him that homosexuality is sin, but we must trust in him for the forgiveness of all of our sins, including homosexuality.

The Bible says that, "God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16). Jesus Christ was crucified--nailed to a cross until death--for our sins. He died in our place: "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21). When we trust in Christ for the forgiveness of our sins, God looks upon us as if we'd lived the same perfect life that Jesus lived. That's God's grace. No matter what activities you've been involved in, God offers you his forgiveness.

After receiving Christ, we enter into a love relationship with him...the God of the universe. This is an eternal relationship and we no longer have to worry and wonder how we are going to know him--he will reveal himself to us daily in many ways. We are now his child.

A New Life. Upon receiving Christ, God says that we become a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). He changes us on the inside and gives us new desires. We find ourselves making decisions to live a more upright life. We experience a new freedom to say "no," with a motivation to please God. Satisfying our sexual urges becomes secondary. God brings new priorities into our life--living according to the truth, living with self-respect, living with greater concern for others' welfare, living a less self-centered life.

Also, God gives us a peace we never had before. This doesn't mean a "rose garden" from God or from the world. We will pass through many struggles and the change may come painfully at times and may be very gradual. However, we are not struggling alone. In the midst of our troubles, we have the peace of Christ in our hearts.

This peace is something the world knows nothing about--only someone who belongs to Christ can know the comfort of his peace. Through Christ living within us, we become adequate for any trial. He asks that we give all of our anxiety over to him, because he cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).

Submission to Christ. In spite of the change God will bring in our life, we still have a will that often will want to slip back into our "pre-Christ" ways. Therefore, the height of victory over homosexuality is directly related to our willingness to submit ourselves completely to God.

To experience the most abundant life, we must relinquish all control of our life to God's love and power. Our own plans and desires must come second to God's plans and desires for us. To come out of homosexuality, we must be submitted to Jesus Christ as our Lord, and we must do this on a daily basis.

Many people, after a length of time, believe that they are sufficiently out of homosexuality to once again take control of their life. This is a serious error--the commitment we make to Christ is for life. When we take back control of our life, we ask for trouble. The results can often be disastrous.

Role of the Church. Once we enter into a relationship with Christ, we become part of his body, the church. As part of a body of many members, we are interdependent with others. That means attending a church. Admittedly, many people have had painful experiences with the church, yet we must be involved in the lives of others, and allow others to be involved in our life, in order to grow.

No body of believers will be perfect and there will be things that we don't like. Still, we must join a church and become a productive part of that body of people. Therefore, contact an ex-gay ministry who can suggest a good church in your area.

Christ speaks to us in many ways, including through his Word (the Bible) and through others who know him. If we are not involved in a church, we will be missing many messages that he has for us, as well as the privilege and joy of being a blessing to someone else.

Talking with God. If you don't know how to talk with God, follow the example set forth in the Disciples' Prayer (often called the Lord's Prayer; Matthew 6:9ff), which the context shows to be a daily prayer.

Thank God for his goodness, for his mercy, for him being your Father. Understand that he is worthy of your complete trust. Ask that his will would be done in your life. Ask him for your needs. Ask him for forgiveness for your going astray and not listening to him. Ask forgiveness for your treatment of others.

Ask for his protection against temptations and whatever strong feelings come your way. Close your prayer again with praise and thankfulness. Whatever you ask of God the Father, ask in the name of Jesus Christ (John 15:16).

The Word of God. Experience the benefits of obedience to Christ. To do this, we must be familiar with his Word. Start by reading the book of John in the New Testament. Then try reading one of Paul's letters, such as the book of Ephesians. As you begin to study God's Word, start by asking him to reveal to you what you need to hear from it.

The Bible will be your road map to a new life. Use it and study it. Set aside time every day for prayer and Bible study. God is faithful. Do your part, and he will do his. Reading his Word will allow you to grow closer to him day by day.

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God created you for a purpose, and is able to bring wholeness, a sense of rightness, and fulfillment to your life. And he is the only one who can accomplish that full depth of transformation. Allow God the opportunity to enter your life. Receive his forgiveness. Know his love.

The following is a suggested prayer (the words aren't as important as is the attitude of your heart):

God, I confess my sin to you. Thank you Jesus, for taking all of my sin upon yourself on the cross. I want to receive your forgiveness. I want to enter into a relationship with you. I ask you to come into my life right now. I want you to make me into the person you created me to be.

If you have just asked him into your life, we would like to send you helpful information about the depth of God's love for you.

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THERE IS HOPE

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

(2 Corinthians 5:17)

OUT OF LESBIANSM (ANNE PAULK)

I grew up as a classic tomboy, mostly playing cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers. When I was about four-years old, an event happened which profoundly shook my inner security. A teenage boy approached me sexually, then warned me not to tell my parents. I never said a word, fearful that we'd both get into big trouble. This silence left me to reap a lot of self-inflicted pain, and the whole incident only reinforced my tomboy image. I didn't feel protected or valued as a girl.

I also craved special affirmation as a girl from my dad, but couldn't tell him why. For years I believed lies about myself, God and men. And the sexual experience (when I was four) kept me from embracing femininity which, to me, meant being weak and vulnerable.

Then I found myself having crushes on some of my girlfriends. I was talented in athletics, so I joined the softball team in high school, but continued to avoid most feminine activities. I didn't feel pretty or lovable.

At church, the youth group seemed shallow. I felt disappointed that everyone behaved just like the non-Christian kids at school, and I became disillusioned. Soon I discarded church altogether, and began getting into wild behavior: drinking, dating three boys at one time, and eventually exploring homosexual relationships.

Then I went to college and met Sara. She seemed so confident and strong as a woman. Men adored her, but they only seemed to ridicule and use me. It was then, in early 1982, I realized my feelings for Sara were sexual. So I decided to look up an old boyfriend to "test" my orientation. Although he was a nice guy, I felt no attraction to him. After that, I decided to pursue my attractions for women. At the suggestion of a gay counselor, I joined the college gay/lesbian group.

But during one of those meetings, I had a piercing thought, "There really is something wrong with this lifestyle." I was heartbroken by the words that shattered my dreams of finding happiness with a female life- partner. After the meeting, I went home and cried. "God," I prayed, "please show me who you are, and fill the void in my heart."

After that prayer, I began experiencing a new hunger to know Jesus Christ. Within six months, I made a firm decision to forsake homosexuality and follow him. But, unfortunately, none of the leaders on campus or at church knew how to give me hope that my sexual attraction for women would change. My commitment to Christ, however, enabled me to persevere in the face of this discouragement. I immersed myself in Christian activity, although the homosexual attractions never went away.

Eventually I fell into a sexual relationship with Laura, a Christian girlfriend who, like me, struggled with lesbianism. Laura and I looked to each other for emotional fulfillment. At first, it seemed like many of my childhood dreams were being fulfilled through our relationship. But along with some satisfaction came conviction, deception and emotional instability. Laura became my top priority over work, family and friends. Many areas in our lives suffered as a result. Laura even battled with suicidal thoughts. Then Laura and I tried to remain friends, but stop the sexual part of our relationship. But it never worked, because we never addressed the underlying issues.

Finally, after three months of resisting God, I said a very honest prayer: "Lord, you know that I really enjoy this lifestyle, but I want you to be my first love. I need your help. I need you to change my heart." This prayer marked a major turning point in my life.

Shortly after my prayer, Laura and I had dinner with a Christian woman who was a former lesbian. She listened to our story and our questions, and through her we made contact with a Christian ministry solely devoted to helping people overcome homosexuality. The people loved us and cared for us, and eventually Laura and I agreed to give our relationship to God and avoid all contact with each other.

Though angry and frustrated over the break-up with Laura, I continued going to the ministry's meetings for the next 18 months. The insights I gained there were incredibly valuable. I learned how to look for patterns in my same-sex attractions, so I could understand the underlying needs which sparked the temptations in the first place.

I continued to grow in my relationship with God, and eventually I realized that something had changed deep inside of me. God changed my sexual identity from ex-gay to godly woman. I was learning that God loved me with a gentle delight, especially when I relied on his strength.

During this time, I found myself having a new interest in men, and began spending time with them in group situations. Then, in mid-1991, I began dating John, a man in my church who like me had come out of homosexuality. On December 31, 1991, he presented me with a ring and asked me to marry him. We were married the following July. I kept looking happily at the ring, thinking, "Wow! Me married!" I was filled with joy as God established something so beautiful and holy in our lives.

Since then, God has used John to comfort me and to confront areas of distrust in my life. This has been difficult, but the Lord has been faithful to fulfill his promise to heal, even when the process is uncomfortable. I am so glad that my Father took the time to unearth the hurts that held me back from growing into godly femininity. Now I don't need to compare myself to other women and don't seek to gain femininity from them through emotional dependency or homosexual relationships. My identity is secure as a woman because I know Christ.

John and Anne Paulk at their wedding in 1992.

John and Anne today.