My Prayer

Dear God,

I want to speak of this one more time and I want to write it for my friends to read. They have been walking this out with me and I want them to know that this is the last time I will speak of this.

I woke up praising you this morning and it felt so good. I feel renewed and joyful. You are the great I Am, my Watch Tower, my strength.

I have been so lost and so in the dark. I have missed our intimate time together. My need for you is great as is my love for you. You have gathered me back together. Thank you Lord. Thank you.

Lord, you know my every thought and emotion. Nothing is hidden from you. Search me, Oh Lord, and reveal to me my inner sin so that I may repent and walk closer to you. Protect me from the enemy and myself.

I have over the last few months grieved the loss of my mother. I have lived in regret and guilt. I give those things over to you because they do me no good. They only bring me down and away from my service to you.

I give back to my mother those ungodly things she left with me and I take back, to myself, those things that she stole from me in her abuse. I break the ungodly soul tie with her, but keep the Godly tie. I will live with the memory that she was grateful to be with me at the end of her life and that she loved me. I will stop thinking of what should have been and start remembering the good. I will catch every thought to the obedience of God. You are my strength and my creator.

You sent an angle to me, when my mother was dieing. We shared about your glory and love. You sent friends to me that ministered to me and prayed and sang over my mother. For these things I have never said thank you. So, Lord, now I say thank you. You were there for me in so many ways and never left my side. You are the Almighty God, the Living God, My Rock.

I give you my sorrow, my grief, my anger, my life. I praise you, Lord. I praise you. I pray, Father, that you would heal my body and mind. Bring me to that place, again, where I see only you. Make me whole again. Without you nothing is impossible. You are my light, my energy, my life. Without you I am nothing.

Walk with me, again. Talk with me, again. I am only alive when I am closest to you. Make me new again.

My love for you overflows and my need for you is a hunger within me that needs to be filled. I want to be as Enoch and walk so close to you everyday that I am filled every day with your glory.

I repent from my ways and walk forward to you. Hold me tight in this battle for victory is at hand. I live for you. I would die for you. My future is only in you. I will not fear. I will be victorious.

Amen

Friends

Try has I may to isolate...It does not work!!!

But, I still do not go anywhere.

That will change though.

I had a visitor last night. An old friend whom I had to share my situation with. She emailed me because I have not been answering my phone. So, I told her what I was going through. What does she do....shows up.

We talked for a very long time. We laughed and shared sorrow. We shared victories and challenges. It was good.

But, next thing I know, she has me booked for 4 separate events at the church. I told her it may be like moving a mountain to get me there, but she would not relent. Even stated that I may have to move into her house, one weekend, because she has me so busy.

So, I accepted, but told her I would probably change my mind and not come. The look on her face was one of "oh no you won't". I guess I will go.

One of these events will be me speaking to a group of women. My choice of topics. This is a month away so I have time to prepare. I could bring them all down and talk about depression. Just kidding.

God told me once, pertaining to friends, too choose few and choose wisely. Before I was a Christian I had no friends. I was ok with this...I actually liked it that way. After I became a Christian, I started to have lots of friends. People were everywhere. So, many that I eventually got hurt and that is when God spoke the above to me.

So, I began to choose few and choose wisely. When my mother was ill and past and now that I am going through this season, I have found out why choosing few and choosing wisely is so wise and rewarding.


My few friends have reached out to me with cards, emails, comments on this blog and by just showing up at my home. They have given advise, encouragement and love. They are patient and concerned. All have shown the love of God.

I am so very grateful that God has brought such people into my life. Because, I recognize that without them I would be in deep trouble. They are keeping me afloat with their prayers, visits and encouragement.


Since God foresaw what I would be going through, He put just the right people in my life, at just the right time, to see me through this dark season.

Thank you my friends.

Anger

I, mostly, have been sitting in my home for several weeks. I have had a couple of counseling appointments and did take a road trip with my daughter. I sit and wait for God to bring me a word or notion that will help me walk out of this depression.

Last night, I could not sleep. I have slept for 2 days and last night nothing. But, while trying to sleep I heard from God. He told me, "You love your mother but you are angry with her". I was glad to hear from God and thanked Him but, I am not sure what to do with that.

It makes sense to me that I am angry with her. Forgiveness does not mean that all those feelings suddenly go away. So, I must contend with my anger. So, what to do with anger. Giving it to God is easier said than done. I would suppose the next question would be "do I want to get rid of my anger"? One would think that I would, but I have certainly held onto it for a lot of years. I then would say, that it has become familiar to me and since I have intimate relationship with this anger, I probably do not want to say goodbye to it.

So, there in lies the root of my depression. My mother is gone and I have nothing left to continue to be angry with. Another sad situation that I have gotten myself in.

I have made a decision this week. I will live out the rest of my life has healthy and happy has I can. So, that means I will give up bad habits and eat healthy. Well, has healthy has I can with the price of food right now. This decision was made this weekend while I laid around in pain. Then God brings me a word that truly fits my decision.

Working on giving up my anger is a challenge. First, I did not realize I was angry. But, it makes sense. Second, I do not know how I will accomplish this. But, I will focus and try. God gave me the word so I could be set free and I will be free indeed. Praise God for his mercy.

Memories

You have all been so kind to me in this hour. A season that I must go through to be healed. The strangest thing about this state of mind, that I am in, is that I have started getting memories back of my childhood.

I have disassociated from my memories as a child. My childhood was full of trauma so my mind just took itself out of the picture. So, I have no memories.

In the past I wrote a post about my childhood and shared that my mother was one of my perpetrators. She was out of her mind with anger when I was a child. Not suited to be a parent. The abuse was total...emotional, physical and from someone else, sexual.

I tried, years ago, to get my memories back. I work hard at retrieving those memories, but nothing came and I became afraid that I would start making memories up. So I decided that it was better to not remember. My thinking became "why would I want to go through it twice".

God has given us a great gift in disassociation. It protects us from an overload of abuse and keeps us sane. The deeper the disassociation the more likely that the abuse was horrific. I had two memories and they were not go good.

So, in my depression I have started to remember my youth. Not bad memories, which I am grateful for, but just memories. My brother and I were looking at a family portrait and he asked why he was not in the picture. I just blurted out "you were working". I looked at him and asked if he used to work at the little grocery store by our house. He told me he did. I was amazed and happy. I can not relay to you what it meant to me to remember.

Since then I have had numerous memories come up. I asked my brother, "do you think it is safe for me to remember now that mom is gone?"

Could this be? There are things that I do not want to remember. But, I would like to remember the good things. The everyday common things. Those happy moments. My dad.

In the five years that I took care of my mother, before her death, I went through a season of "why am I doing this". Why would you take care of someone who so totally abused you? I suppose I was trying to make up for being such a bad child. Of course I was not a bad child. But, I now wonder if that was not what my subconscious was thinking. It really does not matter why I did it and I would not take back those five years. I am glad I did it because, I got to resolve issues within myself and enjoy the mother I was suppose to have. She had mellowed in those last few years. So, I am grateful that I had that time.

I do not believe that my depression is from my childhood either. I have forgiven my mother and anyone else that abused me. That is not an issue. I do have regrets about the way I took care of her. I feel I could have done a better job. But, that is now past and I must look towards the future and get on with life. Time I believe will take care of my depression. With prayer and meditation on God I will get through.

But, it looks like I will get through with childhood memories. I like what I have remembered so far. It is a joy to recall the happy moments or just the mundane moments. I have a past and it is coming back to me.

ARTI "PERTOBATAN"

Definisi yang asli tentang pertobatan tidak ada yang lain kecuali ‘Perubahan Pikiran’.

Meskipun sudah bertobat, pikiran orang percaya tidak bebas sama sekali dari sentuhan Setan. Seperti halnya Setan bekerja lewat pikiran pada jaman dahulu, demikian juga pada jaman sekarang, dia masih tetap bekerja dengan cara yang sama.

Rasul Paulus dalam suratnya kepada jemaat di Korintus, menceritakan rahasia bahwa dia ‘takut, kalau-kalau pikiran kamu disesatkan dari kesetiaan kamu yang sejati kepada Kristus, sama seperti Hawa diperdayakan oleh ular itu dengan kelicikannya’ (2 Korintus 11:3). Paulus benar-benar menyadari bahwa seperti halnya ilah dunia ini (Setan) membutakan pikiran orang-orang yang belum percaya, demikian juga akan menipu pikiran orang-orang yang sudah percaya.

Pikiran merupakan jalan yang paling mudah bagi Setan untuk melaksanakan tujuannya. Hati Hawa sebenarnya tidak berdosa, namun dia menerima pikiran-pikiran yang dianjurkan oleh Setan. Hawa diperdaya lewat tipuan Setan yang memalsukan alasan, sehingga dia jatuh ke dalam perangkap musuh.

Oleh sebab itu, dengan melhat kasus di atas, seorang percaya harus hati-hati agar tidak menyombongkan diri karena memiliki hati yang jujur dan tulus. Sebab jika dia tidak mengetahui bagaimana cara menolak roh-roh jahat dalam pikirannya, dia akan terus-menerus dicobai dan ditipu sehingga kehilangan kekuasaan atas kehendaknya sendiri.

Allah ingin memulihkan kehidupan pikiran kita menjadi sempurna seperti keadaannya semula ketika diciptakanNya, sehingga kita tidak hanya bisa memuliakan Allah dengan hidup kita, namun juga dengan pikiran kita. Umat Tuhan harus mengetahui bahwa jika mereka ingin hidup secara sempurna maka pikiran mereka pun harus diperbarui.

Seorang Kristen harus bertanya kepada dirinya sendiri: Apakah semua ini adalah pikiran-pikiranku sendiri ??? Apakah ini adalah aku yang sedang berpikir ??? Jika bukan aku yang sedang berpikir, maka pasti ini ulah roh jahat yang sedang bekerja dalam pikiranku. Kita harus tahu jika tidak berniat untuk berpikir, namun demikian ada pikiran yang timbul dalam benak kita, maka kita harus berkesimpulan bahwa pikiran-pikiran itu bukan berasal dari diri kita melainkan dari roh jahat yang selalu mau menyesatkan dan membinasakan kehidupan orang percaya.